There’re so many things I have bottled up inside that I’d like to get out, but I can’t release them. Not because I’m afraid or even ashamed of them, but because they would more than likely hurt someone else. Who can truly understand my meaning and intentions when I can’t? I’ve spent most of my life bottling up things and keeping the hurt and the pain on the inside. I’ve also spent several of the past years letting that pain out, learning to live openly, honestly, exposing my heart. I’ve been getting hurt, but I’ve also been healing, or at least what I thing is healing.
There’re so many things I’d love to say about all the great wisdom I’ve learned, and in return be a wonderful inspiration to someone else. But in all truth, I haven’t learned much at all. It was so much easier when I had a box, because that box had defined lines and I could navigate within their walls and stay within the lines, and feel good about myself for my efforts. I broke out of that box, and I now I navigate a world with no lines, no boundaries, no definitive, and no absolutes. I’m not sure which is scarier. It’s easy to have faith when you’re told what to believe. It’s harder to believe in what your eyes don’t’ see, your hands can’t touch, in words you don’t hear or can’t say. Yet, what choice do we have? There’s only to believe or not to believe.
There’re so many things I fear and yet desire at the same time, fear and desire pull me and push me, and pull those I love and then push them away. My desire is they continue to love me as I try to get my footing; my fear is that it’ll be too much for them to handle and they walk away. I’m passionate in all things – when I write, when I work and most of all…when I love. I can’t do any of them with a half measure; I give it all – therefore I risk it all. I love with my whole heart, my whole soul, my whole being. I don’t know how else to do it. I also fear with my whole heart, my whole soul and my whole being.
I can’t promise a lot of things in this world. I can’t promise tomorrow. I can’t promise peace. I can’t promise I’ll always say and do the right thing. I can’t promise my passion will win out over my fear today, tomorrow or in the next five minutes. I can’t promise that tragedy won’t strike. I can’t promise the moon, or success, or happily ever after. All I can promise… is that whatever I do – I do honestly and with my whole heart. If I love you, I love you with my whole heart.
I shake with fear, uncertainty, and doubt, but I keep walking. I carry the scars of failure, but I keep trying. What I need is so simple, yet so complex… I just need a little seed of hope. I want to know I’m fighting for something, that there’s a great adventure still waiting for me, and there was a reason I was born in this world and have yet survived; simply that I matter.
Till next time,