Being Hindered


Kalaloch Beach – Olympic National Park

Have you ever loved something so much, yet you can’t have it, access it, or even be near it?  Just thinking about it makes me sad, so I try not to think about it, but then trying not to think about it, has me thinking about it all the time.  Being denied something you want more than anything in the world, leaves you with this feeling of anticipation and anxiety… and not the good kind.  The kind that keeps you up at night and disturbs your sleep, because you’re afraid you’ll dream about it, and wake up crying.  This happens quite often.  But, I’m tired of crying.  I’m tired of missing it.  I’m tired of being denied it, but my hands are tied and there’s nothing I can do about it.

So may days, so many moments, so many minutes I want to curl into a ball and shut the whole world out.  Everyone else continues to move through the universe as if it’s correct, on it’s right course, and spinning as it’s supposed to, but that’s not the way it is for me.  My world stopped turning, my equilibrium is off, and all the spinning gets me dizzy.  I want it to stop turning, to start moving, to move forward, but my heart is lost somewhere in the past, in another place.  My body is here, but my heart and soul is somewhere else, and that leaves me empty, void, tormented.

Have you ever had an out of body experience?  That’s what this is like.  The empty shell is here in Georgia, but the real me, the part of me that is passion and love… it’s left standing on a beach in the Pacific Northwest.  It calls to me in my dreams, it pulls at me throughout the day, it yearns for me to return.

I will go home someday and reunite with my heart, and become whole.  I shall walk the beaches of my dreams.  I shall feel the cool breeze of the Pacific upon my face.  I shall hear the sound of the wind rustle the leaves of the evergreens.  I shall dance in the cool rain drops of the Pacific sky.  Someday… Someday… I shall go home again.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray


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Categories: Blog Post, Inspirational, Musing, Romantic, Spiritual, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Being Hindered

  1. The uncertainty of future events brings with it an uneasiness of how it will effect me; fear is self preservation. When life pulls the rug from under me, why do I care so much about where I will land. When I hang on so dearly to the outcome of any given situation, what happens is… I get small and it gets bigger.
    Within the transitory nature of things there is infinite change. It can be debated that there are different levels of fear, however, there are not; fear is fear. Its the depth of my own experience, the smallness of my box, compelling me to analyze the seriousness of my pain, leading me to think its bigger… than it really is.
    Hindsight can be of benefit, when I’m able to see that in each and every situation, there was something for me to let go of, accept… love. Its a tuffy. But through perseverance, a desire of betterment, and God’s Hand hanging onto the other end of a thread I hang on to, I get to a place of peace in my own heart… where everything starts.

  2. After reading,my heart ached as I can relate to many things you have spoke about, and I refer to my own poetry of
    “I do not belong here, I do not belong there,Just an embodied existence in need of repair”
    I think at this point in time, there is a lot going on within the energies around us and it is time for people to make that change in their life, to let go of the pain that keeps your heart from you, if you truly know you can never have what you heart desires, then let go… and your heart shall return for your new journey ahead, equipped with mind,body and soul,and if you are unsure or there is a possibility that you may one day have what your heart desires, then still let go because you will need to take that journey for and it is your heart you need to find the happiness your minds is missing….I apologize if it is a little deep-but it comes from my heart to feel for yours-
    C Crooks

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