Not all changes happen on the outside. The best ones, the ones that have the most impact, often happen on the inside. I’ve always heard the phrase that if you want to make a change on the outside, you have to first make a change on the inside, or it’s not really a change at all. I’ve come to realize that the outside is either a reflection or a mask. I used to hide behind a mask, a secret identity, but I’ve since learned to shed my skin and expose all that I am to a harsh and judgmental world.
I’ve had some ups and down in my journey of change, expect even more, but I’ve accomplished so much in a short period of time. I’ve not just lost weight, but I’ve focused on getting my body, mind and spirit healthier and stronger. I’ve learned a lot about my limits, and pushing myself beyond those limits, and listening to what my body, my heart, and my mind needs. I’ve learned to love and appreciate them for what they are, not only focused on what they could become.
I used to not be able to look at my scars, being reminded of the pain in receiving them, some things no human should have to endure. I’ve seen the true face of evil – it has burned, cut, stabbed, raped, degraded, abandoned and used me. I don’t know how I survived, but I did. But, the outward scars are not the only ones left by abuse, there are inward scars that run much deeper. Those are the ones no one but a few ever get to see.
I’m a beautiful woman, but I know that not everybody will be able to get passed my scars, both inwardly and outwardly. Not everyone has the strength to look at them and see their beauty. I would win no beauty contest and would never be the object of a dream fantasy, but someday, some lucky man is going to be showered with such an abundance of love he’ll be overwhelmed. Because it required an abundance of love to get me where I am and to teach me to see the world, people, and things around me with a different set of eyes. I used to have shallow eyes, and hid behind their prejudice, but I now possess x-ray vision. I see hidden beauty where others only see skin.
My skin is steel, forged by a stubborn will. I use that thick skin to repel the bullets shot at me, letting them ricochet back at those who meant to wound me. I have a spirit that soars in the clouds. The world wants to ground me, force me to keep my feet anchored to the earth, but I can’t. My cape flaps in the wind that calls my name. I don’t know where I’ll land, where I’ll go, or if the ride will be wrought with fear – but I leap anyway.
So, I’m not an ordinary woman and it will only take an extraordinary man, a superman, to be my partner. I’m a stranger and an alien, different and alone, and the world seeks to use me and my gifts for their own ends. But, I don’t play by their rules. I won’t be found on the ground, only in the clouds. If you can fly – come find me.
Till next time,