“I will not invest or give my time, energy, love, gifts, affection, friendship, devotion, support, body, mind or soul to that which does not first invest or give these things to me.”
I wrote this quote to myself about three years ago after having an existential crisis of faith. Everything I had believed and thought to be the truth of the universe came crashing down around me. It left me in a state of confusion, yet set me on path that turned my life upside down.
I believed in the concept of sowing and reaping, service and reward, giving and receiving, of doing good deeds unto others in order to receive a good life in return. Yet I looked around and couldn’t find me. In a life filled with fulfilling requirements and expectations everyone else had for me, what society had for me, what my family and faith had for me, I became lost. I never really had the opportunity to be me. Simple questions confounded me – what do I like, what do I want, and what do I believe. All my answers, all of them, reverted back to fulfilling the needs, demands and expectations of someone else.
So for all my attempts at liberation, at facing all the fears of being alone, destroying every aspect of my security by walking away from everything and everyone I knew, I once again find myself facing the alteration of my life, my wants, my desires in order to fulfill someone else’s expectations and needs.
I understand I have this natural propensity to nurture, love and submit to others in order to make them happy – but I have to have that same dedication to myself first. I have to take control of my life, my choices, and love myself enough to protect me – even if it means separation. As much progress as I’ve made in the physical realm, returning and discovering activities that I love and make me happy, I need to remind myself of the promise I made to me.
Till next time,