I See …

I see

 

First of all, I want to give an update to my rant yesterday.  It was as I proclaimed, just a moment.  This morning on my run in the dark, every time I passed a shadow I smiled and whispered “fuck you” and grew stronger and stronger as I sailed past every shadow.  By the time I hit the ¼ mile mark I was almost giddy.  Fear, you will not control me.  I’m not stupid, though.  I still gripped my knife and pepper spray… but I enjoyed the wind on my face, the smell of cedar in the air, the burn in my muscles, and the rapid, steady beat of my heart.  Now if I can just get my breathing under control… I’ll have this made.

The thoughts that flipped through my mind as I ran this morning focused on a dear friend I haven’t heard from in a while and I miss.  I worry about him and hope that all is well.  Most of all, I hope he’s happy.  He’s one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen, and it’s got nothing to do with his physical looks.  He also hides behind a thick mask, but I see him – all of him.

I don’t know if it’s a curse or a blessing, but I see people in a peculiar way.  As Shakespeare said, (I can’t believe I’m quoting that douchebag, but he did have some deep things to say at times.), “All the worlds a stage and all the people are merely players.”  That’s how I see the world.  We walk around with our masks, we move, and dance, and laugh, and speak, but it’s all for show.  As I walk through the masquerade in my own mask, I don’t focus on the colorful, dazzling, sparkling displays, but the eyes behind them.  In those mysterious orbs I see beauty and shadow, love and anger, hope and despair.  I see truth.  There are some people I see and they’re so ugly because their hearts and soul are so black and cold – I physically shiver. Their negativity is like a thick cloud. Then, there are others so beautiful I become mesmerized.

The thing about looking into someone’s eyes, I can tell if they’re looking back at me.  I’ve discovered most people don’t like eye contact.  They look at everything, but me.  We’re afraid to let people see who we really are – because most of the time we can’t even look at ourselves.  We’re like babies, we think if we can’t see others, they can’t see us.  “Though they have eyes, they do not see.”  It’s hard to see the truth, because it’s heavy.  To see the beauty in someone comes right along with their darkness, and that is often a bitter pill to swallow.  I can’t handle everyone’s darkness.

Can I be fooled?  Always.  We can shift from the light to darkness in an instant. I’ve hid in the shadows.  I’ve been terrified that others will see my darkness, get a good look at my shame, and hate or reject me for it.  But when we hide our darkness, we also hide our light. We are fools if we think we can only expose our light – that’s the defect in our masks.  Once we open up and expose ourselves, our shadows are exposed too.  Our shame keeps us dancing, keeps us moving, keeps us smiling, and keeps us hurting.

In my friends and those I love, I see all of it – the beauty and the darkness, and I still love them.  I would fight those shadows, and offer open arms for those times of weakness.  No judgment.  To truly love someone, I have to love all of them.  To love myself, I have to love all of me – the good and the bad, my strengths and my weaknesses. But who sees me? Who really sees me?  You can’t see me unless you look at me, and to see me is to be exposed, because I will see you.

It hurts when those we love leave us – because they’ve closed their eyes, they’ve closed their hearts – shutting us out.  We can’t see them anymore, and they can’t see us… we become just another dancer on the floor, another guest at the ball, another mask.  As you brush past me in this dance, my heart cries out, “Please don’t shut me out.  Don’t close your eyes.  You’re beautiful. Dance with me.  Look at me. See me, because I see … and I still love you.”

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Chandelier by Sia

Party girls don’t get hurt

Can’t feel anything, when will I learn

I push it down, push it down

I’m the one “for a good time call”

Phone’s blowin’ up, they’re ringin’ my doorbell

I feel the love, feel the love

[Pre-Chorus]

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

Throw ’em back, ’til I lose count

[Chorus]

I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist

Like it doesn’t exist

I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry

I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

But I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes

Keep my glass full until morning light, ‘cos I’m just holding on for tonight

Help me, I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes

Keep my glass full until morning light, ‘cos I’m just holding on for tonight

On for tonight

Sun is up, I’m a mess

Gotta get out now, gotta run from this

Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

[Pre-Chorus]

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

[Chorus]

I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist

Like it doesn’t exist

I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry

I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

Read more: Sia – Chandelier Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 

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Categories: Blog Post, Health & Fitness, Musing, Philosophy, Poetry, Writing | Leave a comment

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