Life is liquid. It moves. It’s constantly changing. It has a starting point, a birth, yet constantly flows toward an end, a death. Along the way there are lots of turns, twists and metamorphoses – sometimes lazily moving at a trickle, and other times it becomes a raging river.
Sometimes I welcome change. Other times I hate it. Most often I’m scared of it. It has a way of bringing beautiful things and people into my life, but at the same time it also has the power to remove them. No matter what I tell myself, I have no control to stop the movements of in and out. The tighter I try to hold on, the more it hurts when it’s ripped from my hands.
I’ve done so many great things in my life. I’ve accomplished so many great things. I’ve also failed and lost just as many. I’m just as scared as the next person. Giving up is not an option. What mask do I wear today? I’m learning, it’s whichever one I need most.
I’m learning so much from being immersed in my world of Destiny and among my clan, We Are Immortal Gods. Maybe perhaps not learning, but being reminded. For instance – I’m remembering essential things through the simple act of trying to upgrade my armor and weapons. Having the right equipment, the right weapons, the right tools, makes a huge difference in my failure or success in a strike, a patrol, or a raid. The more durable, the more powerful, and the more accurate my shot – the better my chance, the lesser my effort, the higher opportunity for success. But, ill equipped, unknowledgeable, and inexperienced works against me and makes things so much harder. However, I’m one of the most stubborn people I know. I don’t give up – well, I don’t give up easily.
I’m running around with a bunch of pros. It’s humbling, yet it’s frustrating at times. It’s also what I need. While I often feel really bad for being a nuisance and a handicap to my clan as they make their way through their challenges, my admiration grows for them greatly with every invite they send. My natural response when I feel a burden is to run. That inner demon that tortures me – using the voices of the past to whisper in my ear of how I’m not wanted, I’m not needed, and I’m not welcomed is working overtime. I have to fight against those voices and trust in the bond of my clan that they do want me.
I want my clan to be proud of me. I want to become as skilled as them and a force to be feared and reckoned, not the butt of a cheesy joke. I want to be able to stand beside them in battle with pride, not be hid in some corner to be protected. The unfortunate truth, one that I’m forced to admit to myself, is that right now I need to be protected, both in the game and in real life. The game is teaching me that though I may not currently be properly equipped or have the strength to stand on my own, or the skill to make a difference (though I will not give up and will continue to increase those skills) – if I open my heart and look around me, maybe I don’t have to go at it alone. I can’t make it alone. Life, just like this game, was meant to be lived, to be played, cooperatively.
In my stubbornness, in my pain, in my fear, I have pushed everyone away in my life. I have run. I have hid. I have built my walls. I have worn my masks. But it’s time to stop running, to get up, put on my armor, and fight back. It’s time to adapt. Change is happening. It always is. I just hope I don’t have to face it alone.
Till next time,