I’m the type of woman that longs to learn, especially when it comes to things I have a lot of difficulty. I have this insane problem with being dependent on someone for things I could do myself. It doesn’t matter how big or small that dependency is, it bothers me. During this very soul-crushing/soul-searching/soul-refreshing last few years, I have a friend who would get really frustrated with me for being emotionally co-dependent. I needed them. I was scared, alone, hurt, and lost. But they made me feel so small for the little bit of dependency I had, it strengthened my resolve to be completely independent., because they made me feel weak and ashamed.
I don’t have a problem with independence. I’ve been independent my whole life. Even during a 20-year marriage, I equally contributed. Once I stepped back and allowed myself to become dependent, that’s when everything fell apart. I don’t have a trust that someone will be there for me when I need them. I’ve been let down too many times. Maybe I’ll trust someone someday to be there, but until I see that day, I will choose to remain independent.
That’s not just in the emotional and financial realm, but in the gaming world too. I don’t mind someone helping me out for a time as I learn something new, and playing FPS games is something new for me, as long as they allow me to help them out in return. However, I don’t like to be hidden in a corner, a cave, or pushed to the side while they do all the work. That actually pisses me off and I find it insulting. I don’t claim to be the best, quite the contrary, but I STRIVE to be the best, I STRIVE to learn, I STRIVE to improve, adapt, and get better. Want to insult me… let me die and everyone else keep playing like no one missed a beat, yet when any other player dies suggest a wipe and start over declaring the game can’t be won without complete cooperation. Or, continue to keep doing a hard part of the task yourself without offering to let someone who’s never tried have a turn. Everyone had to try for the first time at some point. No one becomes proficient at something without actually doing it.
I know my clan loves me, but sometimes they can hurt me too.