Safety Mechanism

Safety Mechanism

The more I learn and the more I comprehend, the less I know and the less I understand. ~T.L. Gray

As you all know, I have some of the most thought-provoking friends in the world.  I suppose that’s how they become my friends in the first place, they provoke me to think outside the box, to delve into the depths of understanding and enlightenment. My soul burns with conflagration.  Do I ever reach the pinnacle of wisdom and complete understanding? I make no such claims.  The more I learn and the more I comprehend, the less I know and the less I understand. But it doesn’t stop me from trying.  On the contrary, it fuels me and stirs my passions.

The subject this morning is ‘safety mechanisms’ we put in place to protect ourselves from allowing our imaginations to create a relationship with someone else more in our minds than what it is in reality, and therefore getting hurt when that relationship dissolves, or turns out to not be what we imagined.  Because, in essence, it was the dream we created that we loved or desired more than the person.  It’s a sticky subject, I know.  Most people don’t want to admit the fantasies they create, and tend to blame the other person for their failure to live up to those fantasies, but that’s another post for another day.  I’m getting off topic.

If two human beings are honest with each other (first we have to be honest with ourselves), then we can attempt to apply the correct boundaries, put up the correct walls, set the correct parameters for the type of relationship we will allow with another person.  But when the fuck do we ever do what is correct?   Anyway, back to this ‘mechanism’ –  what is it really?  My response this morning was: “It’s a safety net so no one gets hurt and it tames the imagination.  I’ve discovered when most relationships don’t work out, most of the pain comes from the dream of what could have been more than what really was.  I’m a dreamer. I have an exceptional imagination and I have to be careful what I allow myself to dream.  I’m also an artist, which means I feel deeply.  I’m learning to protect myself and use these ‘mechanisms’.  So far, they’re working.  I think.”

My wise friend responded, “I totally get that.  I have to control my dreaming these days too.  I’ve allowed myself to make bad decisions based on hopes and dreams, and it’s just not smart or fair to the other person.”

He’s so right.  It’s not fair.  We get hurt when the other person doesn’t live up to our dreams and expectations,  and it’s not fair that they had to try in the first place.  When we put people on pedestals, it puts a pressure and responsibility onto them that they neither deserved, nor asked for.  I understand the pressure to live up to another’s expectations and ideals, and it crushed me when I failed.  It hurt.  It still hurts.  It wasn’t equally fair to set such high dreams for them to fail to meet in my life, either.

I truly am learning to love people and appreciate the beauty of who they are, just as they are, because their lives have been an incredible journey to get where they are.  They’re human beings with souls and feelings. We’re all fuck-ups. I quit trying to change them, or change myself, to meet my, their, or our expectations. It’s futile.  As Ecclesiastes states, “it’s meaningless… a chasing after the wind.” I tried my damnedest to be what they wanted, what they needed, and only ended up hating and losing myself in the process.

Our conversation continued and I responded, “I have learned, but not necessarily good things.  I’ve learned how to run, how to hide, how to make beautiful deflecting masks.  I’ve become strategic, defensive, prepared, my guns always ready and loaded, and my armor securely in place.  Yet, a kiss could unravel my defenses.  But what hope will I be kissed on the battlefield, beneath my cover, and on the alert? Yet, I still believe in miracles.”

My friend replied, “Ohhh, I try my damnedest to learn from my mistakes and pain.  I know there are those that try to hide it as well though.  Which is the majority?  Just looking at today’s society, I’d guess most people hide from it. That is, until they become more self-actualized.”

When has hiding ever solved anything? Hiding delays. Hiding blocks. Yes, it provides a sense of safety, but it’s a false sense. What are we really saving ourselves from? Living? Loving? Learning? Can we truly hide from pain?  If so, I haven’t discovered that secret yet.   It’s only when we take a risk to do something that we make a connection.  We can’t connect within the shadows. We were not made for the shadows, but to dance in the light, to fly, to soar to great heights.  As an unknown wise man once said, “If you want something you’ve never had, do something you’ve never done.”

I want a great love affair.  Just like that Hunter Hayes song, “I want Crazy.”  I want that whole damned song. I’m so tired of being safe, practical, careful, or responsible.   I’ll post the lyrics and a YouTube link below. So, if I want Crazy, then I suppose I need to be Crazy and hold onto the dream and hope that someday somebody will come along that can appreciate my kind of crazy, and not change for those who can’t.  I’ve got to learn when to fight and when to lay my weapons and armor down.  I usually fuck that up.  It’s a good thing I still in believe in miracles.

The conversation with my wise friend this morning ended with, “Knowing the truth and acting on it are two separate worlds.  That’s why we keep getting into trouble.  We ignore what we know and follow how we feel. We try like hell not to feel, yet that hurts us most of all.”

“So true,” he answered.

So true.  Thank you, my friend, for the stimulating conversation this morning.  Such friends are as a precious jewel to me.  I appreciate you.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Hunter Hayes

“I Want Crazy”
Mmmmm…

I’m booking myself a one-way flight
I gotta see the color in your eyes
Yeah tellin’ myself I’m gonna be alright
Without you baby is a waste of time

Yeah, our first date, girl, the seasons changed
It got washed away in a summer rain
You can’t undo a fall like this
‘Cause love don’t know what distance is
Yeah, I know it’s crazy

But I don’t want “good” and I don’t want “good enough”
I want “can’t sleep, can’t breathe without your love”
Front porch and one more kiss, it doesn’t make sense to anybody else
Who cares if you’re all I think about,
I’ve searched the world and I know now,
It ain’t right if you ain’t lost your mind
Yeah, I don’t want easy, I want crazy
Are you with me baby? Let’s be crazy

Yeah

I wanna be scared, don’t wanna know why
Wanna feel good, don’t have to be right
The world makes all kinds of rules for love
I say you gotta let it do what it does

I don’t want just another hug and a kiss goodnight
Catchin’ up calls and a date sometimes
I love that we’re rebels, and we still believe
We’re the kind of crazy people wish that they could be, yeah

Oh, and I know we’re crazy, yeah

But I don’t want “good” and I don’t want “good enough”
I want “can’t sleep, can’t breathe without your love”
Front porch and one more kiss, it doesn’t make sense to anybody else
Who cares if you’re all I think about,
I’ve searched the world and I know now,
It ain’t right if you ain’t lost your mind
Yeah, I don’t want easy, I want crazy
You with me baby? Let’s be crazy

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

No, I don’t want “good” and I don’t want “good enough”
I want “can’t sleep, can’t breathe without your love”
Front porch and one more kiss, it doesn’t make sense to anybody else
Who cares if you’re all I think about,
I’ve searched the world and I know now,
It ain’t right if you ain’t lost your mind
Yeah, I don’t want easy, I want crazy

Yeah, look at us baby, tonight the midnight rules are breaking
There’s no such thing as wild enough,
And maybe we just think too much
Who needs to play it safe in love?
Let’s be crazy!

Na na na na oh na na na na oh

Who cares if we’re crazy? We gotta be crazy!
I know that we’re crazy, so let’s be crazy!
Yeah-ah-ah…

*Cover photo by digital-art-gallery.com

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Categories: Musing, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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