I’m learning to let go. It’s hard. Every time I’ve ever walked away from someone or something, left a relationship, lost a loved one, or watched my children leave to find their own way in this world, it takes a piece of me. What I’m learning I grieve most is not often the familiarity or the presence, but the dreams that were dreamed, the hopes that held deep in my heart, and the love that was attached to that person or thing or place. I think that’s why when it comes to my children – their growing up and moving on is bitter-sweet, because the hope that’s wrapped up with them is still possible, it’s within their independence and journey in life. But, losing someone to death, disease, divorce or a break-up leaves a huge hole in my soul.
I’m learning to let go. It’s complicated. I don’t like giving up on myself or on people I love and care about. Often though I fall into an unhealthy situation when my hope and love for them begins to effect and become destructive to me. I hate losing. I’m the biggest optimist in the world, even when my mouth is often filled with Doubt. I struggle, because my heart, my mind, my experience, my common sense will often scream one thing – yet Optimism and Hope will be in war with those thoughts. I’m sometimes wrong, and someone or something will surprise me and turn out for the better and Hope will celebrate. But, the realist inside me – the one who carried the pain, the scars, the doubts, and the cautious pessimism – hates to be right because she understands that when she’s right she damages hope and optimism. She fears she may one day find they no longer have the strength to rise again as they have so many times before.
I’m learning to let go. It’s devastating. I’ve searched my whole life to be loved and wanted. But, those are the two things that have escaped me most. I’m damaged. I’m broken. I’m sometimes still that little girl crying out to God trying to understand why I suffer, why I’m hated and hurt so much from the people who are supposed to love me, why my own parents and children have rejected me. I let them go, but I always held out hope they would someday choose me. But, even in that – I’m learning to let go.
I can’t make the world love me. I can’t make someone choose me. I can only hope and try to remain optimistic. But, eventually – if that choosing never comes and love never appears – I will walk away because I have chosen me, and I have learned to love myself – and no matter how much Hope wills it – I will only endure for a season. I have learned to walk way. I have now walked many miles alone. I may always be alone. But Hope and Optimism keep praying, keep smiling, and keeps trying = and I love them for it.
I am learning let go. Maybe someday I’ll not have to anymore.
Till next time,