Musing

Rock Your Own World

Rock Your Own World.jpg

I love to be told I’m beautiful. I love to be looked at with admiration and desire. I love to be appreciated and cherished. Nothing is tenderer and sexier to me than a man I admire staring me in the eyes, gently moving a strand of hair from my face, and me being able to see admiration staring back at me. I love whispered adorations and butterflied crushes. They are the ULTIMATE erotic moments. Well, I’m going to add an awesome head massage to that list. However, I don’t need any of it. I like it, I crave it sometimes, but I don’t need it to feel good about myself. Why? I rock my own world.

I take a lot of selfies, not because I’m narcissistic, but because I genuinely love myself. It took me a long time to get there. And it was a long, hard journey. I’m not self-absorbed or shallow. I’m probably the deepest thinking person I know. I’m not spoiled and pampered. But, if you just met me, you don’t know my story or what a HUGE deal it is for me to take a simple picture. There are no pictures of me for MOST of my life up until the last few years. I didn’t take pictures of myself and others didn’t take pictures of me either. Why should they? I didn’t love myself, so how could I expect them to love me? I didn’t. They didn’t.

I had a reckoning with God and with myself. It wasn’t a pretty process. It was filled with facing a lot of shame, a lot of anger, and a lot of hurt. But, I faced it – and the other side is stunning. I grow more beautiful everyday – regardless if anyone else agrees or not. Their opinion really doesn’t matter to me. I grow more graceful with every new strength, every new accomplishment, and every new selfie. My smile is genuine because I am genuinely happy. Yes, I have some hard moments, sad moments, and painful moments, but even still – I’m happy because I’ve learned to rock my own world.

I’ve learned that nobody else can love me the way I have learned to love me. I’ve been with ME my whole life, and I will be with ME until I die. I’ve seen and experienced everything I’ve been through. There are no secrets, there are no surprises. I know every failure, weakness, success, and strength. I know every shameful moment, low moment, proud moment, embarrassing moment, and every joyous moment. When I look in the mirror, I smile because I LOVE the woman looking back at me. I’m proud of her. I respect her. She is a survivor and a rock star. I know about her fears and her sacrifices, and I’ve watched her face death and rejection a million times, and a million times she stood back up. She has been abused and unloved by the world for most of her life, but she didn’t give up and still fights every day. She’s honest – woefully and painfully honest, and that is beautiful.

Someday her hope is she will find a partner to share all the wonder that she is, who will love her just as much as I do, and who will rock her world …or not. She’s already got me.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

 

 

Categories: author T.L. Gray, Blog Post, blogging, Dream, Dreams, Faith, family, friends, Health & Fitness, Hope, Hurt, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Life, memes, Muses, Musing, Musing., Philosophy, Quotes, relationship, Relationships, respect, Romantic, Spiritual, T.L. Gray | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

What Do We Want?

What Do We Want

 

Do we really know what we want? What drives our wants, what fuels our needs and desires? Is it the propaganda that our mind is bombarded with on a consistent daily basis of our culture, education, media and social media? Is it with keeping up with the Jones’? Is it tradition, idealism of the American Dream that has been planted in our minds from birth? Is the very idea of entitlement grated to us by our own Constitution – in that pursuit of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness?   I’m sure it’s a mixture of all of that – plus our own imaginations.

I think everything we want FIRST starts as a thought and/or felt as a need. We want love, we want passion, we want purpose, we want vision, we want success, we want wealth, we want health, we want fame, we want direction, we want faith, we want family, we want connection, we want understanding, we want enlightenment, and we want freedom, etc.

I think about other countries not as fortunate as this beautiful country in which I live and sometimes ponder what my wants and needs would be if I was from a different place, a different race, a different culture, or a different life. But, it’s foolish and a waste of time to think on those terms, other than for better understanding of our neighbors’ plight, because I am NOT that person and THIS is the life I’ve been given. I was born into this body, in this race, into this culture, into this part of the world. That doesn’t make me any better or any worse than anyone else – it just makes me …Me. Who I am and who I choose to be – is in every choice I make, and in every want and need I have, and how I go about fulfilling them.

What I want and need today is different than yesterday and tomorrow it will be different than today – because life is fluid and ever changing. I don’t want to get tripped up always thinking “what if” and miss out living life today. Yes, I have dreams and hopes for tomorrow. Yes, I have memories and some regrets for yesterday. But today – today I want – to live my life to fullest, to be happy, to be loved, to love, to laugh, to appreciate, to work hard, to be in the moment. I have many fears, because I’m over-thinker, and those fears haunt me always – fear of failing, of getting it wrong, of misunderstanding, of making a mistake, of being naïve, of being taken advantage of, of being used, of being vulnerable, of being hurt, of being unwanted and unloved. But, I face my fears because I’d rather be all those things – WHILE I’m living my life to the best of my ability, than having missed all those things, and the good opposite by hiding away in my fear. So, I will kiss the guy. I will take the chance. I will make the move. I will face that PF360* machine. I will spend the money and book the trip – because I only get one life. I only have one chance to live. That’s what I really want – to live, to really fucking live.

So, let’s do this.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

 

 

 

Categories: author T.L. Gray, Blog Post, Dreams, Faith, family, friends, Health & Fitness, Hope, Hurt, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Life, love, memes, Musing, Musing., Philosophy, Quotes, relationship, Relationships, respect, Romantic, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Find Something Worth Dying For …

 

Irish Gladiator

A friend of mine has an Irish Gladiator banner hanging on his wall that says, “Find something worth dying for, and live for it.” I call this saying a Scottism. For several weeks now that phrase has been rolling around in the back of my mind, trying to find a tendril of understanding to latch onto, because in its simplicity it’s very profound.

Just the first part alone – the very first part – to “find.”  To find indicates an effort, a movement, the making of a decision that’s followed by action.  FIND – seek, explore, hunt, track down, identify, discover, uncover, etc. It doesn’t say wait for something … but FIND.  Get off your ass and hunt it down!

That’s where we fail as a society right out of the gate.  We’ve become a culture that doesn’t hunt, that doesn’t seek, and sure as hell doesn’t find. We want everything given to us without any effort of our own, and then lie to ourselves and tell ourselves we ‘deserve’ it.  I once heard another statement that said, “Grace is God giving us what we don’t deserve and Mercy is Him holding back what we do deserve.” What the hell do any of us really deserve?  We often get what we seek to find. If we seek shit, we find shit. We seek destruction, we find destruction.  If we seek shallow plastic, we find shallow plastic – and then bitch about only having shallow plastic.  Oh, what a world in which we live. But, thank God not everyone is that way – just the majority of common people. I thank God that “I’m uncommon amongst uncommon people.” LOL (Shout out to David Goggins for that motto – it’s ingrained into my soul now.)

Back to the Scottism I’ve been working on – Find something worth dying for…” If you really think about that – what on this earth is worth dying for? For me, EVERY bit of it is intangible. I would never die for stuff, titles, money, opportunities, or luxury. Yet, I watch people daily sell their souls and step over humanity to obtain these things that will one day burn to ash. No, all the things I would die for are intangible – Love being the greatest of these. Freedom – and man it has a high cost.  Faith – I would die for faith – believing in something bigger than myself, and in someone I love. Family – I would die to protect my family. Hope – I would die to keep hope, because I know that without hope I would already be dead.  Purpose – I would die trying to live with a purpose. But, not much else.

I think before we put our lives on the line for the things we deem worthy to die for, we should really consider the true cost. It shouldn’t be a whim, but a truth we diligently had to search for, dig for, and then find.  But, once we got it – once we’ve given it the respect of discovering the truth of it – then and only then does the second part of that statement come to live – and hit home.  THEN … LIVE for it.

Dying for something is actually the easy part. True strength is coming from being able to LIVE for the things we would die for. God, if we would really take the time and think about all the stupid shit we waste our time chasing and started loving and appreciating the things in this world that were truly important – truly worth dying for – our lives would have so much more meaning and value. We chase after pretty faces, cold hearts, baseless and useless shit – and then bitch about it – because the truly valuable things are not easy, often not pretty, and on the surface doesn’t look spectacular. But, how blessed are we when we do get ahold of it? When we truly open our hearts and let the real shit in – the real pain – the real love – the real purpose?  Wow, just wow. Thank you, Scott for that inspiration. I don’t know where you got it – and it really doesn’t matter – because it’s latched onto my soul now.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Categories: author T.L. Gray, Blog Post, Destiny, Dream, Dreams, Fairy Tale, Faith, family, friends, Health & Fitness, Hope, Hurt, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Life, love, memes, Muses, Musing, Musing., poem, Quotes, relationship, Relationships, respect, Review, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Don’t Be So Quick To Judge

New Post

If you know me, if you’ve met me, or if you’ve read any of my blog posts over the past several years, you would probably say that I’m able to easily express my emotions, that I’m an emotional person, or that I’m clearly in touch with my emotions.  You’d be wrong. Very wrong. It takes a hard, concerted effort, and one that I have to work on EVERY day to express my emotions, or to even acknowledge them.  I sometimes fail. I sometimes fall back into my safety net, and cower behind my wall of steel, stone and ice, to protect myself from feeling the full impact of the pain that’s in my life.

If you’re shaking your head, because you don’t believe it – let me explain.

I have PTSD, and a pretty bad case of it. For those of you who instantly just filled your mind with the idea that those who battle with PTSD are weak, you’re fucking wrong. Let me repeat: YOU ARE FUCKING WRONG!  THOSE who FAIL to face their truth and battle with their PTSD are the weak ones, not the other way around.  The strongest of souls fight battles every day most of us don’t even have an idea of their struggle, because they’re not weak-ass pansies throwing their problems on everyone else, looking for that pat on the back, or that bit of sympathy. They acknowledge their pain, face it, and deal with it head on no matter how hard, how much it hurts, how much it’s going turn their world upside down.  They are not quitters.

I hate pity and sympathy. It irritates the shit out of me when people feel sorry for me when they learn about some of the struggles I’ve been through. I hate it. It’s one of the reasons I had kept my mouth shut for so long, because I hated to see that look on their faces or hear that sound of pity in their voices – and then watch as they begin to treat me like a victim – with kid gloves, afraid to offend me, afraid to be themselves in order to not hurt me. If I broke so easily, I wouldn’t be who I am today.  I’m the strongest fucking person I know in this world and I hate being treated like a victim or a fragile flower. But that’s the kind of world in which we live, where people want sympathy and excuses for their failures instead of someone refusing to carry their lazy asses and tell them to pick themselves up off the floor and fight.  I hate fucking excuses and I literally hear them day in and day out.

I don’t pity others.  If you come to me with your sad story – you WILL tug at my heart strings. I’m a fucking bleeding heart – but then you’re going to stir the warrior inside and I’m not going to come to you and put my arms around and you pat you on the back.  I’m going to get in your face and ask you what the fuck you’ve done to pull yourself out of the situation, to protect yourself from it happening again, what you’ve learned, and what you’re doing to fight to protect yourself.  If I see you fighting – I’m going to jump in the lion’s den with you and do whatever is necessary to help you succeed.  But, if you’re cowering in the corner – and want me to do the fighting for you – THAT SHIT AIN’T HAPPENING. I’ve nearly killed myself saving fucking victims. I can’t do it.  I won’t do it.  If you’re a victim, if you are immobilized because you can’t get over your shit – I can’t help you. I have no sympathy for you.

I don’t want to know what you WANT to do. I want to know what you’re DOING. I respect someone flat on their ass because they’ve failed attempting to fulfill their dreams, or attempting to overcome something that’s holding them back, than some whiny-ass bitch with a bunch of dreams but doing NOTHING to make that dream come true. I admire people that don’t give up. I admire people that aren’t afraid to own their failures and mistakes. If your ass is broke because you half-ass everything you do, take short cuts, or have a bitter attitude that you’re struggle has ANYTHING to do with your culture, skin color, opportunities, sex, or breeding – I can’t even talk to you. FUCK YOU. I hope you lose everything you’ve got so that way maybe you’ll be forced to struggle to fight for everything and learn to respect yourself and learn your worth and stop making fucking excuses for your failure. YOU own your success or failure.  And we more than likely have a different definition of failures – because some failures are victories if there was something learned or gained.

THAT is an example of my PTSD.  I will help, protect, fight with, and be open with honest, straight-forward people. But, I don’t trust most people. I don’t even like people to touch me or get into my personal space.  If I hug you or allow you to touch me, it wasn’t nothing – it took a huge effort and a whole lot of trust. And being able to write my truth – that took a long, long, time to get to this level of freedom. My breakthrough came when I started writing to MYSELF. When I started to love the warrior inside, the woman that deserved to be acknowledged and appreciated.  It took me until I was almost 30 years old before I could even cry.  I never said the words “I Love You”.  Ask my first husband. All we ever got to was, “I like you a whole lot.”

So, the point I’m getting at is this – when you meet someone who has a hard time expressing their emotions – quit expecting them to respond to things and situations in the way YOU would respond. They are not you.  If you see them struggling to express, step back – you don’t know what they’re carrying. Now, don’t give place to victims. Don’t placate or enable victims’ excuses.  And don’t take disrespect from them either. No matter what they’re struggling with – love yourself enough to expect to be treated with respect. If you don’t get it, ask for it. If you still don’t get it – show them your back because they’re nothing but fucking vampires and they’ll suck the life out of you in an attempt to fill their own emptiness. Treat people with respect for who THEY are – take the opportunity and time to find out HOW to relate to them. That’s the ultimate expression of love and respect is actually observing and giving someone the focus and time to get to know THEM for who they are inside.  If you’re too busy, or too self-absorbed, you’re a shitty friend and just move on for their sake.

If I care about someone, I’m Nancy-Fucking-Drew. I’m always asking questions, observing how they respond to me, quick to apologize if I over step, and am honest – brutally and openly honest.  A lot of people can’t handle truth because we live in such a disconnected world, hidden behind our social media and self-help bullshit, quick to just ghost and hide from responsibility and then whine and complain that shit don’t work. We’re too quick to swipe left or right, and when things get hard (and ALL fucking life is hard at some points) we run back to level one where it’s easy. We get offended too easily. My best friend right now is someone I’m not afraid to get in her face, and she’s not afraid to get in mine, because we know we may get mad, but we will always be back the next day to work it out.

I actually had a guy tell me the other day he doesn’t like drama. He doesn’t respond to drama and only wants to hang out to have ‘fun’.  I’m sorry – but that’s not a FRIEND. That’s a fucking acquaintance, or what they call a ‘fair-weathered friend’.  I don’t need those in my life. I love my sunshine and I love to share my sunshine with my FRIENDS who’ve been through the storms with me. They deserve my sunshine. Fucking fair-weathered friends don’t deserve anything from me – especially my time. My time is valuable and precious. When I’m with my friends, they have my full focus. I need them at times, and I need to be there for them at times.  Yes, we shouldn’t surround ourselves with negative people. I will be the first to send someone stepping if all I hear out of their mouth is negative bullshit. But, there’s a huge difference between a negative person and someone going through something.  I am deep, and I’ve got deep wounds and no weak ass punk is going to be able to handle my truth. That’s probably why I love badass Rangers, mean ass Marines, and those warring Navy SEALS. They make street thugs look like fucking pussy cats. I’m the daughter of an International Cartel Drug Dealer – and I’ve seen some shit – but I don’t have anything to worry about when one of these guys have my six. NOT ONE FUCKING WORRY. They can handle it.  But, no matter how tough they are – emotions may not be something they easily handle. But that in no way makes them weak.  Those who don’t take the time to try and understand how to listen, how to relate – they are the weak ones. A warrior is deep, and only deep can hear the deep.  Leave all that shallow ass bullshit for those fair-weathered friends.  I’m not a frogman, but I swim in deep waters.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Categories: author T.L. Gray, Blog Post, Destiny, Dream, Faith, family, friends, Health & Fitness, Hope, Hurt, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Life, love, Musing, Musings, Philosophy, Quotes, relationship, Relationships, respect, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Who Can Bear Such Weight?

Atlas

 

The Hollies have a song that I’ve heard most of my life “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother.” However, I have always felt heavy.

 

That song has meant many things to me over the years. When I first heard it as a child, I thought about my real brothers. I didn’t have that great American childhood, instead I lived a nightmare. Yet, there was nothing I wouldn’t do for my brothers to protect them, to feed them, or to keep them safe. I never felt they were a burden to me because they were my brother’s, and they were mine to carry. I lied, I stole, and I fought for them. Many years I suffered abuses by keeping my mouth shut so I wouldn’t lose them or have them taken away from me. But, I did eventually lose them as we became adults and drifted our separate ways. They didn’t need me anymore.

Then, I had children of my own – and they were not heavy either.  Life was hard, there were difficult decisions and sacrifices to make, along with many mistakes. But, they were never heavy.  I did what needed to be done. There wasn’t a choice, not in my heart or in my mind.  But they too grew up, and didn’t need me anymore.

I’ve been married once, engaged a couple times, and had a few relationships since then – and all of them were heavy, but not too heavy to carry – not for me. I gave everything, gave all of who I was and what I had to give.  But one by one they left me and didn’t need me anymore.

None, in my eyes, were ever too heavy for me.  None with anything I couldn’t bear or any sacrifice I wouldn’t make, and I made many. But, I have ALWAYS felt too heavy for anyone else to carry. I refuse to be carried. I refuse to be a burden. I refuse to be dependent on anyone else because I don’t trust that anyone could carry me. The weight I carry is too heavy, and the things I hold are too deep.  Perhaps it started long ago with parents who blamed their problems on my existence, or brothers who claimed opportunities were lost because I abandoned them, or children who ran away from me because I was too hard and expected too much, or lovers – one after another walk out the doors opened for them and never fought for me.

I am a Lady. I will always hold open the door. I will never capture, or trap, or manipulate someone to stay in my life. Only the really strong and the really deep will ever be able to stay, because I’m not dainty, and I’m sure as Hell not easy.  Like Atlas, I carry the world on my shoulders. Who is my equal? Who can bear such weight? My burden is not light. My truth is not easy. My scars run deep.  I think that’s why I’m fascinated with heroes, warriors, fighters, gods and giants – a hope one of them will be strong enough. But, it’s a faint hope. I’ve seen too many backs of great, strong men, who thought they could carry my weight. I’m just too heavy.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Categories: author T.L. Gray, Blog Post, blogging, Complicated frustrations, Dream, Dreams, Fairy Tale, Faith, family, friends, Health & Fitness, Hope, Hurt, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Musing, Musings, Philosophy, Quotes, relationship, Relationships, respect, Romantic, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Doing What I Love

Doing What I Love

 

Life is short.  I do what I love.  If I don’t know what I love, I’ll figure it out.  Sometimes what I used to love, I don’t care so much for anymore, and other things that I never dared to try before, I’m finding I really enjoy.  I have to be careful not to put myself or my ideas in a box, else I’m going to miss out on something beautiful, or terrible.

I have to be careful and protect my time, my access, my money, and my tribe circle, because life has a way of putting obstacles between me and what I love.  But, one of the things I’ve discovered in life is – those things I’ve had to fight for, I’ve had to sacrifice for, I’ve had to achieve through perseverance – were much more rewarding and worth the struggle. If it came easy or was given to me, I may have enjoyed the experience, the thing, or the moment, but there’s always this ‘other’ moment that follows all those moments – and that is the moment I don’t want to experience again in my life – and that moment was when I wasn’t proud of what I had received or achieved because it cost me nothing. I didn’t appreciate what it was, because it had no value.  It wasn’t earned.

I sometimes underestimate the value of a thing, an action, or even a person – and think my pride and esteem doesn’t matter, but it really does. It matters a lot.  I would rather be valued, respect, appreciated, and deeply loved than be wanted, desired, or a momentary fascination.  I want those accolades – but I am much better than that. I’m not cubic-zirconium – I’m a hardcore diamond.  I want to be told I’m beautiful, but not because I have a pretty face – but I have pretty, caring, and loving soul.

The more I value a soul, the more beautiful that person becomes to me.  NOTHING is more beautiful than looking into a pair of eyes and seeing an amazing, beautiful soul.  A kind spirit. A warrior. A great body is nice, a healthy body is even better. But a beautiful soul – transcends the body.

I once fell in love with a man because he had shared a meme with me that said he fell in love with souls, not faces.  That turned out not to be true for him, but for me it’s the very core of my existence, it is the true center of my heart. I could never love someone for a shallow reason like their looks, sex appeal, body shape, or any kind of physically attractive attribution.  Don’t get me wrong – a beautiful sexy body is nice to look at and fantasize about, but my Superman could be a paraplegic like Christopher Reeve – and I would fall hopelessly, deeply, madly in love with him if he had a beautiful soul. It’s just how I’m made and it’s how I love, and I’m on a journey to do what I love, to appreciate the important things in life, because I only get one go around on this big blue orb.

I’m becoming happier and happier every day, because I’m now doing the things I love.  I just had a recent discussion about camping. I love camping. So, guess what I’m going to be doing soon???

 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Categories: author T.L. Gray, Blog Post, blogging, Dream, Fairy Tale, Faith, family, friends, Health & Fitness, Hope, Hurt, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Musing, Philosophy, Quotes, relationship, respect, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

We Don’t Need More Sleep

We Don't Need More Sleep

“No, we don’t need more sleep. It’s our souls that are tired, not our bodies. We need nature, we need magic, we need adventure, we need freedom, we need truth, we need stillness.  We don’t need more sleep, we need to wake up and live.” ~ Mermaid Musings

Still meditating on the amazing words spoken by Navy Seal Admiral McRaven in his commencement speech to the graduating class of 2014, inspiring us to make our beds as a first step to changing our world, this beautiful saying by Mermaid Musings compliments it well.  I agree, we don’t need more sleep, we need to wake up and live. Wow – that hits right into the center of my soul.

I sleep when I’m depressed, when I’m emotionally tired and worn out, when I’m feeling hopeless and afraid.  When I’m not wanting to deal with the stresses and pain of this world, I long to sleep and slip off into a land of fantasy and hope and magic. There’s nothing wrong with that, and perhaps at times in our life we need it, but not for too long, not for too often, and not as a way to avoid living our lives.

Life is hard, but it’s also good.  It’s tough, always, but so are we.  I have a friend who is a Navy Seal and he says that the easiest day was yesterday.  That is so true.  I’m not looking for easy, I’m hoping to find an inner strength inside that gives me the strength to conquer each day.  I start that by making my bed every morning, making and completing small goals throughout the day, working toward bigger goals for the week, the month, the year and the rest of my life.

Making goals and chasing them – that’s living.  Living isn’t dreaming – but chasing the dream.  Living is feeling everything – the good, the bad, the happy, the sexy, the heartache, the joy, the love, the pain, the rejection, the failure, and the success. I try not to deny any of it, because all those feelings and experiences make me who I am.

I don’t want to sleep my life away. I don’t want to miss an opportunity, an experience, or a moment because of fear or being too lazy to care.  Life is messy. It’s hard. None of us are perfect, but we are perfectly imperfect.  I’ve been through hell and have endured unimaginable horrors, but I survived and I overcame.  I love in spite of hate. I care in spite of indifference. I hope in spite of failure. I keep loving in spite of rejection.

We get one life. One.  I’ve been here forty-seven years and my tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. I don’t want to put off tomorrow what I can experience today. I don’t want to put my life on hold, hide, or sleep away biding my time until magic happens, because it never will.  The only magic we get in our lives is the magic we make, we pursue, and we imagine as we are living.  Not every day is going to be a good day, but I want to be alive in the midst of them.

I’ve lost so many people in my life that are not here anymore or not part of my life anymore – and loss hurts.  Change hurts. Love hurts.  But, I’d rather hurt that not feel anything. Because if I don’t feel the pain, I also don’t feel the love or the joy. I want to feel it all.

I’m in the beginning stages of falling in love right now. I’ve met a wonderful man who I admire and he inspires me so much every day to live.  I can’t guarantee our future, or if he will even be a part of it, but I’m open to see what happens and go where this path may lead.  I’ve met some great new friends who make my soul happy, who encourage me not by their words, but because they’re busy living their lives and pursuing their passions. I love people who are chasing their desires, setting goals for themselves, and doing what they love.  I’d rather be with someone who has nothing and struggling to achieve something, than be around someone who has everything but lack vision or a goal.  I love the dreamers and the visionaries, and people that are not afraid to risk their hearts.  I’ve missed that so much in life.

No, we don’t need more sleep – we need to wake up and live!

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

 

Categories: author T.L. Gray, Dream, Dreams, Fairy Tale, Faith, family, friends, Hope, Hurt, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Life, love, memes, music, Musing, Musing., Musings, Philosophy, Quotes, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A New Day

The New Day

Wants change when entering new life cycles.  Desires transform as atmospheres transits.  Needs modify with maturity.  Experience inspires the greatest renovation, for good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. Tomorrow is gone and it’s a new day.

I’m changing, it’s that simple. I’m emerging into a new creation, formed and transformed by my experiences, and I like the changes that are happening and the beauty that I am becoming.

Yes, I believe I’m beautiful.  My doubts and fears whisper to me I’m cursed, unlovable, unwanted, and not enough, but those are the lies sent to keep me bound to the earth, or drowned beneath the waters, when I was meant to soar in the heavens.  There is greatness in me and she’s been held captive for way too long.

I don’t understand what led me to choose my captivity, but I clearly understand I was the one who clasped the shackles around my own heart, wrists and ankles. I was the one who bound myself to something detrimental and destructive to my soul, to my heart, and to my mind. And I was the one who had to break those chains and fly free.  Perhaps that was the lesson that I needed to learn, to be reminded that no one else will fight for me, no one else will love me the way I need to love myself.

Love – what a concept that is so simple, yet so complicated. It’s bigger than I can understand, but something I desire and know I need to give AND receive. I do give love – always. To my friends, my family, and my lovers.  I always give my whole heart.  But, I now understand that receiving it is JUST AS IMPORTANT.

I will no longer accept anything but the greatest of love from anyone that wants to be a part of my life.  I am learning to let go of those who can’t or won’t love me. I am finding the strength to walk away from passive/aggressive assholes who use my love, but are incapable of returning it – because I love ME.

I am building my tribe – a tribe of men and women who are not afraid to open their hearts and arms to me in honest friendship.  Who will not only allow me to love, inspire, encourage and support (because that’s who I am – the ultimate cheerleader) them, but who also feed my soul with love, inspiration, encouragement and support.  I have a lot to give – but what I give is love, light, sun, and life.  Vampires operate in darkness and seek the lifeblood of the lost and helpless.  I got my wooden stake firmly in my hands and I’m not afraid to use it.  I’ve been sucked dry and preyed upon for long enough, but my heart still beats. My tribe has helped me mend my wings and breathe the clean air, and bask in the sunlight. I’ve got a great beautiful golden tan that glows.

I am ready to share my heart again. I’m ready to allow life, and love, and happiness back into my universe.  I’m ready to smile, to seek adventure, to chase dreams, and to fall in love.  I want romance – great romance.  To hell with these insecure broken men who are too jaded to be romantic, daring, and willing to risk everything for love.  I need a hero, not a coward.  I don’t want someone who lies to themselves and the world about not needing love and romance – for their peace.  FUCK their peace. If James taught me anything it’s that love is worth the effort, it’s worth the risk, and it’s worth the fight.  I’ve never felt more loved in my life since him – but I’ve been feeling his presence more and more lately.  I believe his spirit has been reminding me that I am worth chasing, worth fighting for, and worth moving heaven and earth just to love me. I already know I love with my whole heart – and I give my heart and soul to the man in my life.  I will accept NOTHING less in return. I am a good woman with a great heart, and any man would be lucky and blessed to have me in their life. Only a real man will be able to handle me. Little men and broken assholes can keep walking. Leave me alone.  There are plenty of damaged broken women to prey upon, but not me, not anymore.  I’m not trying to save anyone. I can’t.  I want a man that doesn’t need to be saved; one that can fly with me, not pull me down.

I’m flying. I’m soaring and there’s nothing that I can’t do or achieve. My only frustration is deciding which dream I want to chase first! My future is so bright.  I am rich in happiness.  I have successfully found my inner peace. I’m enjoying the wealth of good health that is lending to the fulfillment of my dreams. I’m 47 and have no addictions, no major ailments, and good heart and mind. I am a force of nature and I have been unappreciated for way too long. I’m about to remind the world just what I’m capable of achieving.

Kindness – I seek kindness most of all.  My world had been so dark and so toxic for so long – that simple kindness is a golden treasure.  My soul is thirsty for kindness, and my shield is polished, and my sword is sharpened to protect me from cruelty. Whether friend or lover, if you’re not a kind person – I’m walking away – quickly.  The sharks swim beneath the water, but I’m not in the water, I’m in the air. I’m fire. I’m a phoenix risen from the ashes. It’s a new day, watch me blaze in the light of the sun.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Categories: author T.L. Gray, Blog Post, blogging, Clan, Clans, Dream, Fairy Tale, Faith, family, Hope, Hurt, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Life, love, Musing, Musings, Philosophy, relationship, Relationships, respect, Romantic, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stand Up

Stand Up 2

I may not wear a cape, be bullet-proof, or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but I do defend the weak and put myself in harm’s way to protect others, and that includes protecting myself. I stand up for truth. I stand up to bullies. Does it ever cost me? Yes, many, many, many times.  But, I won’t stop because it’s part of a moral code by which I live. (Yes, I’ve been watching a lot of Dexter later and I too have a code and a Dark Passenger – it may not be to kill serial killers (blood makes me nauseous), but it’s called PTSD and is triggered when danger or bullying is present. It’s THE reason I changed my college major from Early Childhood Education to Business. After doing an internship for a local elementary school, I realized I couldn’t be a teacher, which I was really good, because I knew I would end up in jail if I remained in that profession. I’d go home most evening in tears because I had recognized the signs of abuse and neglect, or lack of discipline which is also another form of abuse and neglect. That internship made me realize I had an elevated level of expectation for parents, and while I saw MANY great parents, I also saw the piece-of-shit scumbags who called themselves parents but were no more than spoiled-ass-selfish bullies walking around in the skins of adults. So, I admire teachers today that are able to handle that knowledge and not allow it to affect them. They are one of my greatest superheroes.

 

Yes, I’m judgmental.  I don’t care about your faith, your sexual orientation, your skin-color, your genetics, your linage, your social status, your education level, your achievements, your bank balance, or anything you own or don’t own. That’s your business, and I love and care for you as a human being.  BUT, as a human being, I do mind how you treat others and the world in which we all live. Parents – I hold the most judgement and expectations. Parents have the responsibility to care, protect, and TEACH their children what is right.  It is human nature to be selfish and destructive.  Yet, our main responsibility as a parent isn’t just to provide food, clothing and shelter.  Those are the least of our responsibilities. It is to teach our children to think beyond themselves, to be kind, to be compassionate, and to become a productive member of the society in which we all live. It is our responsibility to teach them to be responsible, thoughtful, and self-sufficient. These things can’t be taught by words alone, but by example. Look around, people.  We are FAILING as parents.  We have an influx of disrespectful, unfocused, entitled, non-driven, irresponsible cry-baby bullies entering into adulthood. They are handicapped and their path to success is greatly diminished because they don’t possess the basic skills to reach success, and they blame the world for their failure. Those skills were never honed and developed in their formative years due to coddling and excuses and laziness.  We have a society of enablers and addicts, and I’m not just talking about drugs.  We have an epidemic of emotional and psychological diseases and the biggest is called “excuses”. And how do we help the helpless?  How do you set boundaries and expectations in preparations for a harsh world?  The world is HARD.  The world is SELFISH.  The world doesn’t give a shit what you’ve been through or how you feel.  To succeed in this world, you have to WANT to succeed and then FIGHT for it.  How the hell can we expect a society of crybabies to fight for anything when they have no respect for themselves, for the world around them, or the parents that raised them?  That respect isn’t going to just magically appear.  No, they will be spoiled, disrespectful bratty adults as they enter the work force.  They are and will remain bullies.  You don’t have to be a bigger kid picking on a smaller kid to be a bully.  You just have to be mean, manipulative, and selfish and cause hardship to someone else by abuse of power or position or manipulation. These same childish bullies remain the same disrespectful bullies as adults in the workplace and society. Believe me, they don’t see themselves as bullies. Bullying doesn’t just happen on the playground; it happens in the workplace, at the club, at the gym, on the streets, etc. There are parents bullied by their disrespectful children. There are teachers bullied by their undisciplined students. There are employees bullied by bad employers. Bullying has no preference, it’s an equal opportunity offender.

 

I’m not a big girl. I may have a big ass, but I’m not physically intimidating by any means.  But, let me see bullying, and meanness, and manipulation, and gossip, and my dark passenger comes active in a protective way.  I’m considered a bitch because I speak my mind and I speak the truth, especially in the shadows of manipulation. It often costs me, because most people are afraid to speak the truth, because they’re afraid to face the costs.  The costs are NEVER fair.

 

I believe with my whole heart – that IN truth darkness can’t dwell, and prosper, and be successful.  Abuse ALWAYS happens behind closed doors, in secret whispers, and on the flapping lips and itching ears of Gossips. It spreads like an infectious disease among the weak and small-minded. Want to recognize a bully? Be quiet and listen – because they often speak the loudest, and the longest, and they move like a tumbleweed blowing whichever way the wind takes them.  They feel emboldened and justified by their decisions and behaviors and have that constant need to be acknowledged, receive that pat on the back for all their accomplishments, even those not of their own making, yet taking credit for all the work. They don’t like to be questioned.  Confidence doesn’t mind questions, but Insecurity deems them a threat.

 

So, I stand up to bullies. I speak for the weak.  I speak for truth, even if it hurts.  Truth is the only thing that sets us free.  So, again – I may not wear a cape – but I stand up.

 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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Categories: author T.L. Gray, Blog Post, blogging, Faith, friends, Health & Fitness, Hope, Hurt, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Life, love, Musing, Philosophy, Quotes, relationship, respect, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Remember You

I Remember You

 

I’m the type of person that gives all herself to whatever she sets her heart upon. When I love, I love with everything within me. When I make a decision, I throw all my heart, soul, and energy into the task I’ve accepted.  If I’ve accepted the task, believe me when I tell you this over-thinker has already thought about every conclusion, every outcome, every risk, and every possibility – and yet I chose.  The Word tells us to consider the cost of something before we set our hands to it. Before we build something, know the plans, know the cost, and know the materials and foundation that will be required to complete the task.  Don’t make plans just to start a task, be determined and make the plans to finish it.  While it’s a ‘nice’ philosophy to live by the seat of your pants and make responsive choices as needs and wants arrive, it’s irresponsible and in the long run costs many times more than what was ever needed or required.  It’s a thief – come to steal any progress or profit.  It leads to destruction because the foundation wasn’t solid, the materials weren’t right, shortcuts were made, and essential lode-bearing beams were never placed properly. I believe my previous world crumbled because of this practice.  My foundation was set on hopes and dreams.  My choices were reactive to emotion and need.  I knew better. No one is blame but myself. I knew better and I chose anyway.

 

In the middle of this current phase of my life, I’m again beginning to recognize myself.  I’m beginning to see that diligent, hard-working, responsible, frugal, driven, goal-oriented, organized, over-thinking, button-downed, cost-counting, careful, blessed, planning, creative artist that I once was, that I worked hard to develop, and that I fought hard to shape.  I see her plain and clear.  I’ve missed her. I whispered to her in the mirror last night, “I remember you.”

 

I do not regret my past choices – to love and give everything to the family I chose.  I do not regret the choices I made – because they were my choices. I own my choices, my mistakes, and my failures. I wasn’t forced into making those choices, I wasn’t deceived, and I wasn’t manipulated. I didn’t make a choice because of sympathy or need. I simply loved – and I chose love. That choice came with a high cost – and I paid it, I’m paying it now with every tear, every moment I miss them, and every moment I miss not being with them as our lives go separate ways.  But, I’ve also gained, or more accurately re-gained something just as precious – me.

 

I’m building a new life now, and believe me – I’m counting every cost.  Every step I make I take into consideration – everything.  I’m not meant to build something small in this world.  I knew that at a very early age.  I’m meant for greatness.  I’m meant to build something spectacular.  I’m not an average person. I never was, and I never will be. I’ve tried to be average. I’ve tried to be what the world or people I loved wanted or needed me to be, but I’m not meant to be any of those things.  I am created for a greater purpose. I don’t know what that is, but I do know the kind of person I need to be in order to step into that role. She’s been baptized in fire. She’s been shaped and molded in flame.  She’s been kindled in water.  She’s been sculpted by the hands of the Maker of the Universe. I remember her.  He whispers, “I remember you, too.”

 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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Categories: author T.L. Gray, Dream, Faith, family, Life, love, Musing, Philosophy, Relationships, respect, Romantic, Spiritual, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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