Sometimes there’s a part of us deep inside that reacts and does things that we never meant or intended to do. I’m an over-thinker and analyzer, and there are many times I’ve had to question my behavior. I used to look at the behavior itself and then judge because of the behavior, but I’m learning now to not just “see” what is being done, but try to understand the why behind it. I believe with all my heart that our actions are not the true representative of the good or evil within us – but the WHY behind them.
Why do we smoke? Why do we cheat? Why do we lie? Why do we feel the need to rescue? Why do we care? Why do we sacrifice? Why do we hurt others? Why do we protect? Why do we risk our lives? Why do hide in fear?
The things we do reveal our true selves more than anything we say, feel, or think. I’ve discovered on many occasions I am not always as I think or believe I am. Sometimes I am stronger and better. Sometimes I’m weaker and worse. But, I can only see that truth when I question the ‘why’ behind my actions.
I’ve been cheated on, and of course the first question I want to know the answer to is ‘why’ and then immediately feel or think it’s some sort of deficiency on my part. How could he do that or hurt me that way? Didn’t he love me enough? Was I not what he wanted? How could he want someone else when I gave him everything? Was I not pretty enough, smart enough, independent enough, or dependent enough? Am I too smart, too short, too fat, too demanding, too …anything? See how the cycle goes? But those are not the questions we should be asking. It’s more about the ‘why’ behind his actions – what was going on inside him that he felt the need or want to go outside the relationship? What need wasn’t being filled or met within the relationship? Where was the communication breakdown that didn’t address the problem?
We are all responsible for our own actions. The man that cheated on me (no, this hasn’t been recently, just in my past) was the person responsible for checking himself and his motives before acting on his impulses. The only responsibility I had in the situation is to make sure open communication was present to help identify the problems. In that, I failed. I let assumptions, fears, doubts, and suspicions guide me. They may have been true, but that’s no excuse for not communicating before things got too far. I’m not responsible for him or his actions – only my own. But what I do know is that relationships are HARD. They take TWO people who are willing to fight. Sometimes one needs to fight harder than the other for a period of time if they’re going through something, but eventually both need to come back in balance and be there for each other, and keep those lines of communications open.
I have lost relationships due to pride, shutting down when the pain came, and judging my partner because of their actions and not trying to understand their motives. Understanding a motive doesn’t excuse a behavior, but it may help us understand how frail, complex, and weak we are as human beings. “Judge not, lest we be judged.” Before we act, let’s put ourselves in their situation and see if we can understand the problem, we might just find a solution. Cheating isn’t the sin – the betrayal of intimacy and trust and not communicating is the real sin.
Till next time,