Posts Tagged With: failed relationships

I’m Learning to Let Go

I've Learned to Let Go

I’m learning to let go. It’s hard.  Every time I’ve ever walked away from someone or something, left a relationship, lost a loved one, or watched my children leave to find their own way in this world, it takes a piece of me. What I’m learning I grieve most is not often the familiarity or the presence, but the dreams that were dreamed, the hopes that held deep in my heart, and the love that was attached to that person or thing or place.  I think that’s why when it comes to my children – their growing up and moving on is bitter-sweet, because the hope that’s wrapped up with them is still possible, it’s within their independence and journey in life.  But, losing someone to death, disease, divorce or a break-up leaves a huge hole in my soul.

I’m learning to let go.  It’s complicated.  I don’t like giving up on myself or on people I love and care about.  Often though I fall into an unhealthy situation when my hope and love for them begins to effect and become destructive to me. I hate losing. I’m the biggest optimist in the world, even when my mouth is often filled with Doubt.  I struggle, because my heart, my mind, my experience, my common sense will often scream one thing – yet Optimism and Hope will be in war with those thoughts.  I’m sometimes wrong, and someone or something will surprise me and turn out for the better and Hope will celebrate.  But, the realist inside me – the one who carried the pain, the scars, the doubts, and the cautious pessimism – hates to be right because she understands that when she’s right she damages hope and optimism.  She fears she may one day find they no longer have the strength to rise again as they have so many times before.

I’m learning to let go.  It’s devastating. I’ve searched my whole life to be loved and wanted.  But, those are the two things that have escaped me most.  I’m damaged.  I’m broken.  I’m sometimes still that little girl crying out to God trying to understand why I suffer, why I’m hated and hurt so much from the people who are supposed to love me, why my own parents and children have rejected me.  I let them go, but I always held out hope they would someday choose me.  But, even in that – I’m learning to let go.

I can’t make the world love me. I can’t make someone choose me.  I can only hope and try to remain optimistic.  But, eventually – if that choosing never comes and love never appears – I will walk away because I have chosen me, and I have learned to love myself – and no matter how much Hope wills it – I will only endure for a season.  I have learned to walk way. I have now walked many miles alone. I may always be alone.  But Hope and Optimism keep praying, keep smiling, and keeps trying = and I love them for it.

I am learning let go.  Maybe someday I’ll not have to anymore.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Categories: author T.L. Gray, family, friends, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Life, love, memes, Musing, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rise

Rise

Everyone desires to succeed in …everything. No one faces their hopes, dreams, or responsibilities in life with the expectation of failure. That is one way that makes us all similar to one another.  Even from the depths of drug addiction, to the height of financial, educational or titled climb, to being surrounded and well loved by family, to invention, to achievement, to taking our first steps, to beating disease, to finding love – we all desire to succeed. Not one of us wakes up every day seeking ways to fail. Our differences come from our ideas of ‘how’ to succeed.

I’ve met many people throughout my life that have obtained great success, and I’ve met many more who have known nothing but one failure after the next.  One is no greater of a human being than the other.  In what we succeed or fail doesn’t shape our character or define our moral center, but “how” we go about succeeding or failing, makes ALL the difference and is the DNA of our character. You can tell me a million ways, until you’re blue in the face, until the cows come home, or any other metaphor you want to use, that you’re a good and kind person with good intentions, yet your actions are selfish and cruel, you are NOT a good person. If you blame others for your failures, or tear others down, you are NOT a good person. If in order for you to rise you must step on someone else, you are NOT a good person. I may not be perfect, and I may not always be to blame for everything that goes wrong in my life, but one thing I will never do is tear someone else down in order for me to rise. I will not do it to family, loved ones, co-workers, friends or even ex-lovers.  My God has taught me a deeper lesson than the one the world shows on a constant basis.

I am currently at my lowest depths when it comes to failure and success.  I recently lost my step-kids, my soul mate, my dogs, a life and a family I had chosen, and the only father I had ever respected and loved. I sacrificed many successful things in my life to choose them, but I would sacrifice those things all over again for them. I have no regrets of anything I laid down for them, because “they” were my success.  Loving them was my goal and my choice.  I failed.  Yes, I understand it takes two to make a relationship work. It was just as much their responsibility to love and choose me back. I can’t take responsibility for their choices, I can only take responsibility for my own. I made mistakes, but loving them and choosing them was not one of them.  They were far from perfect, but I will never tear them down in order to justify the failure of our relationship.  I’ve already lost them, what good would come from dwelling on their faults or failures? What good would come from tearing them down? What good would come from blaming them or hating them? How can I rise if my focus is to tear them down? I can’t.  I rise by looking up.  I rise by focusing on the love we had and shared.  I rise remembering the good.  That doesn’t mean I deny the pain, the truth, or the issues we all had. No – by no means.  There were issues, really major issues and I believe more than anything in this world that only facing the truth of an issue can anyone ever defeat and overcome them.  There’s a lot of denial of some major issues, and that denial caused a lot of damage and a lot of pain. I can’t change that – I couldn’t change it – I failed – we failed.  But, what I can change is how I let the pain affect ME. I want to rise.  I want to breathe, I want to hope for a better day a better tomorrow, and I know I can’t find that success if I’m too busy trying to tear someone else down.

I will not speak of EX negatively.  Yes, he has his faults, many faults, but it’s not my job to inform the world of them. I won’t deny the truth, even the ugly parts of the truth, but I will not tear anyone else down in order to justify myself. I will not blame HIM for OUR failure.  I love him. I will always love him. I love them and I will always love them. I don’t want them to fail just because I am not with them anymore. I want them to succeed in life. I want them to be happy. I want them to be healthy, and free, and loved, and be good people.  I want to be happy and successful and free.  So, maybe I’m odd and don’t swim like the rest of the world, but I want to rise out of this pain. I want to rise off this floor and fly once again.  My flight doesn’t require climbing over someone else, it only requires spreading my wings and looking up.  Spreading your wings makes you vulnerable, but it’s the only way to catch the wind and rise.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

http://tlgray.blogspot.com/

https://authortlgray.wordpress.com/

https://www.facebook.com/AuthorTLGray

https://twitter.com/AuthorTLGray

Categories: author T.L. Gray, Blog Post, blogging, Dream, Faith, family, Hope, Hurt, Inspirational, Life, love, Muses, Philosophy, relationship, Relationships, respect, Romantic, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.