Posts Tagged With: Separation

I’m Learning to Let Go

I've Learned to Let Go

I’m learning to let go. It’s hard.  Every time I’ve ever walked away from someone or something, left a relationship, lost a loved one, or watched my children leave to find their own way in this world, it takes a piece of me. What I’m learning I grieve most is not often the familiarity or the presence, but the dreams that were dreamed, the hopes that held deep in my heart, and the love that was attached to that person or thing or place.  I think that’s why when it comes to my children – their growing up and moving on is bitter-sweet, because the hope that’s wrapped up with them is still possible, it’s within their independence and journey in life.  But, losing someone to death, disease, divorce or a break-up leaves a huge hole in my soul.

I’m learning to let go.  It’s complicated.  I don’t like giving up on myself or on people I love and care about.  Often though I fall into an unhealthy situation when my hope and love for them begins to effect and become destructive to me. I hate losing. I’m the biggest optimist in the world, even when my mouth is often filled with Doubt.  I struggle, because my heart, my mind, my experience, my common sense will often scream one thing – yet Optimism and Hope will be in war with those thoughts.  I’m sometimes wrong, and someone or something will surprise me and turn out for the better and Hope will celebrate.  But, the realist inside me – the one who carried the pain, the scars, the doubts, and the cautious pessimism – hates to be right because she understands that when she’s right she damages hope and optimism.  She fears she may one day find they no longer have the strength to rise again as they have so many times before.

I’m learning to let go.  It’s devastating. I’ve searched my whole life to be loved and wanted.  But, those are the two things that have escaped me most.  I’m damaged.  I’m broken.  I’m sometimes still that little girl crying out to God trying to understand why I suffer, why I’m hated and hurt so much from the people who are supposed to love me, why my own parents and children have rejected me.  I let them go, but I always held out hope they would someday choose me.  But, even in that – I’m learning to let go.

I can’t make the world love me. I can’t make someone choose me.  I can only hope and try to remain optimistic.  But, eventually – if that choosing never comes and love never appears – I will walk away because I have chosen me, and I have learned to love myself – and no matter how much Hope wills it – I will only endure for a season.  I have learned to walk way. I have now walked many miles alone. I may always be alone.  But Hope and Optimism keep praying, keep smiling, and keeps trying = and I love them for it.

I am learning let go.  Maybe someday I’ll not have to anymore.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Categories: author T.L. Gray, family, friends, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Life, love, memes, Musing, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Perfect Dream

Perfect Dream

 

Have you ever dreamed the perfect dream to only have it turn into a nightmare?  I don’t mean a wet dream, though those can be quite nice, I’m talking about a dream so perfect – a perfect day, a perfect love, with perfect weather, in a perfect location, experiencing perfect emotions, perfect peace; happiness; just sincere happiness; nothing extravagant, simply small, but so full of love?

I had one of those dreams last night.  I was walking down a trail, someone was holding my hand, that’s all I remember is the hands; our fingers entwined.  I heard laughter. I couldn’t tell if it was mine or his.  We were just walking.  The sun shone down on us, the wind was cool and soft.  Everything was green, there was so much green.  But, it wasn’t the scenery that made it a perfect dream.  I don’t even know if it was the company, but it was the feeling.

I didn’t feel scared. I didn’t feel alone.  I didn’t feel rejected.  I felt complete.  I felt content. I felt happy.  I felt at ease.  I trusted who I walked beside.  I was happy with who I was.  I felt loved – completely loved. I just knew – I KNEW that I’d never be alone, that I was whole, and that no matter what happened in the world, I was going to be okay.

Then I woke.

I tried so hard to go back to sleep. For that dream, I’d choose never to wake. What hurts most is knowing it is all just a dream. I’m left wondering why I can’t have that in my life right now.  It seems I live from one trial to the next.  While I have moments between, during, before, and after each trial, each testing,  it doesn’t seem like my life ever clicks to where I have a moment’s rest.

I’m so tired.  I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired fighting. I’m tired of losing. I’m tired of starting over. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being rejected. I’m tired of feeling helpless. I’m tired of surviving. I’m tired of having to climb out, climb up and climb over.  Can’t I stand on top for a moment? I’m sure it’s just my imagination that there are people out there in this world with an easy, happy life – devoid of disaster, tragedy and chaos.  I’m sure I torture myself with wanting something that doesn’t exist.

When we fight for something, we fight for a specific outcome.  I’m pretty strong most days, keeping purpose in front of me, encouraging myself forward, pushing myself with the strength to put one foot in front of the other.  But, there are some days when I’m not strong at all and I lose sight of that hope,  and I don’t remember what I’m fighting for.

But what choice do I have?  I’m still here. I’m still breathing.  My heart still beats. It doesn’t just stop, no matter how much I want it to just stop.  I can try to numb it with alcohol, but that won’t do anything to change the situation –except only to make it worse.  I can try to mask it in a vain relationship, but like the alcohol, it’ll only lead to something worse.  I’ve tried to exercise it away, meditate through it, and vanquish it with prayer – but it’s still there. I still wake up every morning.  My prayers go unanswered. My thoughts torture me. My body constantly aches from the extreme physical measures I put it through.

I’m split in two.  There are two parts of my soul, separated, that keep me from being whole.  I feel one part shutting down more and more every day.  There’s the emotional me – and the practical me.  My practical side is a work-a-holic who thrives in work. I’m most accepted when I work.  I’m valued most for what I can do for others, not simply for who I am. That’s great for business – and business is getting better, but the emotional side of me suffers.

I don’t know how to let that part of me be free.  I’ve kept her hid for so long trying to protect her, that putting her back in her box is easy… way too easy. Every day it gets harder to try and balance the two, to make room for her, to believe she’s important.  She feels too much.  She wants too much.  She’s a naïve child who doesn’t understand and believes in stupid shit like love – believing it’s the answer to everything.  She believes in God, miracles, positive thinking, success and romance.  She’s got a big imagination, but her dreams torture the practical side of me, overwhelming me with faith and killing me with hope.  She’s the dreamer and I’m the one left to clean up the mess her dreams leave behind.

It was her dream I had this morning.  I want her to have it so bad, but I can’t give it to her. I can’t make it happen.  I can wipe her tears away when she wakes.

My dream, the practical side of me, is that tomorrow I’ll be strong again and forget this moment of weakness. It serves no purpose.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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Single-Lane Roads

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Photo by T.L. Gray – Olympic National Park 06/01/2013

I suppose there’s a deep part of me that has always desired to travel single-lane roads.  I’ve tried to go in the ‘right’ direction with the majority, but in doing so became engulfed in the masses and have lost sight of my destination.    Going with heavy traffic is easy and allows my mind to wander, because I don’t have to concentrate so much on where I am, nor keep my eyes peeled on the signs, or even pay too close attention to the limits, because I’m in flow, everything is moving steadily and in the same direction.  I merge into the flow, move inconspicuously, and then merge out when I reach my destination – often a place of routine, acceptance and expectation. 

I can’t help but feel I was created for more.  The first phase of my life I spent fighting against what was expected, traveling on the wrong side of traffic, on constant edge, dodging oncoming trouble.  The last phase, I spent trying to meet expectations, lost among the heavy flow, trying to blend, and merge into normality.  In each, I lost a bit of my true identity… one in survival, the other in suburbia. In this current phase I set my own expectations because I’m finally starting piece myself together and go in the direction I was meant. The only thing I know for sure is that I travel on the road I was destined.  I don’t know where it will lead, and I don’t know which side of the road is the right one.  I don’t know all the curves, bumps or hills this single lane contains, but I choose to enjoy the adventure.  I choose to notice the beauty around me.  I pay attention to where I am on this single-lane road.  Sometimes I pass another on my way, or dodge those going in the opposite direction, and sometimes it’s lonely, but I continue.    

For now I ride alone, but I hope someday, someone on the same path, with the same heart, filled with the same vision will accompany me.  Until then, I wipe away the tears I’ve shed grieving the life in my rear-view mirror, downshift, and stomp on the gas. 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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Ghostly Image

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Photo by T.L. Gray – French doors to my new apartment.

I don’t know a whole lot about souls.  I can’t see one, can’t prove they exist in a court of law, and can’t give scientific evidence to establish any claims, but I can say this:  who I was a year ago is not the same person I am today, and hold hope to be different tomorrow.  I’m in transition from one reality to the next; one state of being into another; cocoon into butterfly.  However, in this transition, I’m afraid of losing some of the best parts of me with the worst, or losing myself altogether.  But I take comfort in Bukowski’s quote, because he’s right.  The fact I worry about losing parts of me, means I’ve still got those parts left to lose.

I’m going through a marital separation and in the process find the dissolution of the relationship is only one piece of the development.  Pulling our lives apart has many threads, many rungs and affects every section of my life; and the disconnection is very painful and confusing; my soul being divided. One part of me grieves for what was and could have been, yet another part of me is excited and hopeful for what can now be, but the whole thing is terrifying. 

Another thing I notice during this transformation… I can be really solid one minute and completely feeble the next; a ghostly image of my former and future selves. I’d love for everyone to only witness my strong moments, but I can’t – hell, I refuse to – hide my weak ones, because they’re evidence my soul still thrives and fights for life.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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Back to Me

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Sometimes we have to walk away from all we’ve known to find ourselves.  It’s taken a long time for me to find me, and I can’t allow someone or something to come in and make me lose myself again or pull me back into an idea or situation I’ve found the courage to leave.  People and situations come in and out of our lives because we are ever changing, growing, and discovering. 

I’m not the same person I was six months ago, or a year ago, or six years ago.  There was a time I needed something different, because I was different.  I’m a new person now, and my needs have changed.  If we haven’t changed together, then I must leave you behind.  I can’t turn around and go back, that person doesn’t exist anymore.  It doesn’t mean I didn’t love, need, appreciate or respect what we had together; it’s just not what I need any more.    Whether it’s a marriage, a close friend, a lover, a career, a culture, a way of thinking, a passion, or a place …I have to be true to me or I’m no good for anyone… especially me.   I’ve got to love me or I have NOTHING for anyone else.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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NaNoWriMo 2012 Winner!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I did it! I set out to accomplish another goal, and I completed it. It feels good. It always feels good, that’s why I keep setting goals, within reason of course, and then going about completing them. It fills me with a sense of accomplishment. It invigorates me. It encourages me to do it again.

I wrote a 56,387 word romance novel (my first) in less than 17 days. This novel is called Survival – Book #1 in the Second Chances series.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once I begin editing, it will be much longer than 56,000; I’m predicting around 65,000 – 75,000 words, however, I will not set that goal just yet. Instead of jumping right into the editing phase, I will instead dive right into the second part of this series and begin outlining novel #2 – Separation. Once I have the outline complete, I will set another writing goal.

For all my fellow NaNoWriMo participants and winners – congratulations! It’s been a huge pleasure making new buddies, forging new friendships, and witnessing how wonderful a little bit of literary abandonment can feel.

Till next year (NaNoWriMo),
~T.L. Gray

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