Posts Tagged With: Writing

Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

Whos Afraid

Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf? Me.

I had a dream a few nights ago about Red knowing the wolf for he was, yet she still feigned ignorance.  He called her on it, yet she still denied the truth of his character, his intent, his danger up until the moment he attacked.  In my dream version, the Wolf devours Red. I understand the fairy tale has a happy ending with the Huntsman showing up and destroying the wolf and saving Red, but we all know that’s not how it plays out in reality.  There’s never a Huntsman to save us from our own ignorance.

I don’t blame, Red. I fear of being like her. I fear being just as naïve, just as stupid, just as blind, or be just as deceived. Wolves are cunning and they seem to be getting better and better at stalking their prey.

I hate wolves.  Not the four-legged beautiful amazing creatures that live in the wild, but the predators who live next door – I’m talking about the deceivers, agents of deception, liars, cheaters, users, and vampires.  I’m talking about the cold-hearted, callus, selfish predators who destroy the souls of other human beings with their games.  The world is full of male and she-wolves, but God I pray not to be a Red, yet fear there’s more of her in me than I want to admit.

I don’t have a problem seeing wolves. I see them. I smell them. I recognize when they’re tracking, hunting, and stalking me.  I get their deceptive messages, I smell their scent of betrayal, yet I still walk through the dangerous forest alone, I still tell strangers my destination, I still trollop through the tulips with my basket of bread, with not much regard for my safety.  Being safe is being guarded, being suspect, being armored, and being cold and hard as steel.  I’ve been there. I’ve done that – and it didn’t protect me. A wolf disguised himself as another warrior and got me to lay my armor down before he decided to chew me up and leave me for dead.  So, even protected I was not safe.  Being aware, being awake, seeing the truth, and learning how to walk away, to change direction, to evade and avoid …is all I can really hope to do.  My weapons is now truth – by living in the light, not lurking in the shadows.  Wolves don’t like the light and they can’t play hide and seek or stalk prey sufficiently in the open.  So, I don’t hide. If a wolf comes at me, he will have to come at me in the light – and he will be met with a survivor who knows how to fight back, not a victim.

I hate the wolves of this world – both men and women.  Liars, deceivers, con-artists, players, users and manipulators destroy the souls of men and women more than anything else in this world.

“Grandma, what big eyes you have – do you see me, because I see you.”

“Grandma, what big ears you have – can you hear me? You will hear me roar.”

“Grandma, what big teeth you have – mine are sharper. You will feel my bite!”

Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf? I am – not that it could or would hurt me – I only fear being naïve to not recognize him before it’s too late.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Categories: author T.L. Gray, Blog Post, Dream, Dreams, Fairy Tale, friends, Hope, Hurt, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Life, love, memes, Muses, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Whatever It Takes

whatever-it-takes

 

How many of us say this, and convince ourselves we believe it, but don’t do it?  Will I really do ‘whatever’ it takes?  How about when it gets hard? When no one else believes and supports me? When there’s no reward? No accolades? When it hurts? When it costs? When it requires me to give up someone or something else I love? When it doesn’t match my dreams or imagination?

Right now I’ve been doing this new workout program my boyfriend created for me. I suffer. It hurts me. It pushes me. I have to fight the fifty excuses screaming at me every morning, telling me to go back to bed, taunting me that it isn’t working, I’m wasting my time.  Yes, knowing I’m about to go suffer, I get up, put on my gym clothes, tie my hair in a ponytail, and then drive to the gym.  EVERY exercise hurts, and then the last of each set where I have to take myself to muscle failure – makes me want to throw up. But, I do WHATEVER it takes. I quit focusing on the pain I’m feeling and KNOW I’m going to feel throughout the day and then what I’m going to feel through the night and tomorrow, and focus on the next success.

Do I love to suffer or feel pain? Hell NO!  But, what I do love more than the pain and suffering is being strong, healthy, and active.  I’m 48. My body is ready to start resting, slow down, take it easy – but I’m not.  I’ve got too many dreams, too many things I still have yet to do.

I got pissed off and frustrated the other day because I wasn’t strong enough to carry my kayak on my own.  I’m going to fix that problem, watch me. I’ll do whatever it takes. I haven’t figured it out yet, but I’m thinking about it. I love to kayak, I have a kayak, I have an SUV to carry my kayak, and I am not going to let being small and weak stop me from enjoying something I love to do. And I refuse to depend on someone else to do it.  Don’t get me wrong, if someone else is around, I’ll gladly and appreciatively use their help, but I’m not going to let the lack of help being available stop me.

I made a promise to myself a few years ago I wasn’t going to let the actions or inactions of others stop me anymore for doing what I want and love. I spent more than 20 years practically begging to go to the Grand Canyon. We had the means, time, and opportunity, but no one else wanted to go, so I allowed my dream to be put on the back burner with an empty promise of the next year – that never came.  So, I made a vow to myself to not let other’s stop me from doing what I want anymore. I still haven’t made it to the Grand Canyon, but believe me – It’s in the planning stage. As soon as I have vacation time – I’m going to see that big hole in the ground, even if I have to go alone. I’ll do WHATEVER IT TAKES. I’m going to find a way to load and unload my kayak ON MY OWN – whatever it takes.

In my writing – I do whatever it takes. Writing is hard, it takes devotion, time, patience, bleeding your soul onto the page …and if I want publication – more hard work, being “on” in order to market, promote, engage, sitting at hot festivals, sitting on panels with a bunch of snobbish people, wearing thick skin from the opinionated bad reviews or advice from everyone in or outside the business who thinks they can write your stuff better than you.  Dealing with people …sigh.  BUT, I LOVE writing, it’s as much a part of me as breathing so when I set my mind to a project – I’ll do whatever it takes to see it fly onto the page and then out into the universe. I’m not going to let those things or people stop me.

In work, in relationships, paying my bills, providing for myself, life in general … I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ve only got me. I have people in my life who care about me, but I, ALONE, am responsible for myself.  I’m an independent single woman. I don’t have a husband to share the burdens of this life. My kids are grown and they have themselves to care for, and it’s not their job to take care of me. I have no parents. So, I must do whatever it takes. So, watch me do just that.

Till next time

Categories: author T.L. Gray, blogging, Dream, Faith, family, Health & Fitness, Hope, Independence, Inspirational, Life, love, Relationships, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Move On

Move On

 

Anytime something happens in my life, usually something tragic or a loss of someone I love, or the dissolution of a relationship, people always tell me to move on.  Move on?  What does that really mean, because that could mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people?  I was thinking about that this morning – moving on.

I suppose all of my life I’ve been moving …on – because I keep moving. I am always moving – either forward or backward. I’m growing or shrinking. I’m learning or wallowing in ignorance.  Well, if you really think it about it, I am always headed toward death.  If I stop and give up – I am digressing and dying. If I stop eating, I will die of hunger.  As I move forward and keep aging, I am slowly moving toward death – so I am essentially dying there too.  BUT, the difference is HOW I move toward my death, which is GOING to come.  Next week, if I make it that long (Scott’s workout is torture) I will have moved forty-eight years closer to my death. Pretty sobering, huh?

I’m not being somber here, just real, facing the facts.  Fact is …I am going to die. In my fantasies I’d like to go out in a blaze of glory, being with someone I love, filled with a sense of peace knowing I really lived and loved, and got to experience the best this life had to offer. Our definition of best will probably splinter at this point – but the best in life for me has NOTHING to do with stuff or accomplishments.  It has to do with love and the journey taken to achieve those accomplishments. I just want to be loved, I just want to love the people in my life, and I want to pursue something that fuels my passions. THAT’s it. I can do that in a mansion or a trailer, with a million or a penny.  Don’t make a difference to me – as long as love and purpose are present.

Life is a diamond and shaped with billions of angles.  It’s filled with pain and pleasure. Some of it I’d like to forget, but I can’t. What I can do is not wallow, not dwell, not stay stuck in that chaos – but move on.  Learn from it. I can’t forget the tragic shit.  I don’t want to forget it, because it was the fire that forged the steel that runs through my soul.  Moving on to me is being able to see things in an honest view – all the ugly and beauty of a thing, of a moment, of an experience, of a person, or of a lesson.  EVERYTHING has light and dark, good and bad. I can’t just look at part of a thing and truly understand it. I have to have balance and see all the facets to truly appreciate it.  That to me is moving on – seeing it (no matter the chaos) in its truth, accepting it in its truth, and then learning something about myself from it.

My life has had some hard truth and it’s been hard to move on.  But, I had to accept it and see it, and learn from it, to honor it and what it means to me. James’ death, my childhood, my divorce, losing relationships are all hard truths. NO relationship in this world is ONLY beauty. EVERY relationship has its weaknesses, its flaws, its ugly – because we are human, we are mortal, we are complex beings filled with both dark and light.  To truly appreciate a relationship, I have to look at it in balance and truth. Fantasy, the idea of what we think a relationship should look like, is the biggest destroyer; false expectations. What we think a person should look like, how they should respond or be, how we should feel, etc.  We make our lists, we set our expectations and then our human counterparts don’t (can’t) live up the fantasy we created in our minds and we get disappointed.  If we looked at people and relationships in balance, see the good and bad, the light and dark, and accept people for who THEY truly are, not who we hope or want them to be, then we will have more successful relationships.

I’m not perfect (shhhh… don’t say that out loud). I don’t always do the right thing. I don’t look like a porn star or supermodel. I don’t have the world to offer on a silver platter.  I don’t have all the wisdom of knowing everything. But, if you strip away all those vain, stupid, unimportant, shallow issues, and look deep at my soul – I think I’m fucking amazing. I love with my whole heart. I give all of me to everything I do. I learn from my mistakes. I own my choices.  I am loyal. I am faithful to myself and the people I love. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I’ve learned to learn. I’ve learned to move on – to move in life – to keep going forward, not forgetting, but keep moving. My tomorrow is not guaranteed.  I may not be here in the next minute, so I believe with my whole heart that I just have to live the best life I can live, and never take a day for granted, or a person for granted, or a passion for granted. Love me or don’t. I’m going to keep moving on till I have no more breath.

Categories: author T.L. Gray, Blog Post, blogging, Destiny, Dream, Dreams, Fairy Tale, Faith, family, Hope, Hurt, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Life, love, memes, Philosophy, relationship, Relationships, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Starting a New Chapter

Man walking down road at sunset

 

Stories are made up of various chapters, and my life is my story.  It’s my own personal adventure. Some chapters are sad, some dark, some happy, some exciting, some expressing major triumphs, while others are filled with unimaginable pain and heartache.  That’s life. Everybody’s story is unique.  We may have some similarities, and our lifelines cross daily with others, but our stories are ours alone – it’s our autobiography.

We think we are the authors of our own stories, but we’re not, we are the main character – whether that be the protagonist or antagonist, we are the center – the gravitational force that everything within our stories revolve. While our character makes decisions, we don’t write our stories, we live them. We don’t control the direction of our tales no more than the author.  An author has the idea, knows the beginning and the end, knows key points and plans the intentions for the story, but until their fingers start tapping the keys or the pen starts scratching across the parchment, the story doesn’t really come alive, it’s only a concept.  When it does take flight – the story goes as destined, regardless of the will of the author or the characters within it.

Yet, we are editors.  We can polish our past chapters, even gloss over or try to hide bits of them, but it doesn’t change the real story that happened.  Once it’s happened, it’s happened and no matter what we do to change it, we can’t. Bad editing can ruin a good story – because if it’s not told properly as it was meant, it causes the plot lines in later chapters to unravel and expose an error, an omission, or a lie. A good editor knows not to mess with the integrity of past chapters.

Having given that little lesson above, my post today is about starting a new chapter in my story.  Many things have changed in my life over the past few months.  I start a new job this morning.  I’m starting a new relationship with a beautiful new soul. I’m starting new friendships, changing my circle and surrounding myself with positive, energetic, and people with beautiful souls. Why – because I’ve had enough dark chapters. I want a good chapter, a successful one, and one filled with joy, laughter, love and success.  I want laughter instead of tears, butterflies in my stomach instead of a constant ache, and to fly. The last chapter was me breaking out of my cocoon and though battered and exhausted, I have a set of big, beautiful wings.  It’s time to fly.

My new job is going to provide an opportunity to change a lot of things for me, give me a little breathing room from the financial and emotional struggle I’ve been in the last few years.  It’s like a release valve, letting out the built up steam of stress and struggle. I’m looking forward to getting back to a point of enjoying life, not just surviving it, of getting back to doing to the things I love and enjoy. I’ve been doing many of them lately, but there are many more I’m ready to get back to as well.

I’ve met a new man. His name is Scott and he’s wonderful. I couldn’t have written him more perfect – for me – had I tried. Of course he’s not perfect, and like any good writer knows – there’s always flaws, hidden demons, and more depth of character than the introduction implies, but I’m looking forward to getting to know that depth.  So far – he’s hit every mark of my heroic fantasy man.  He has a good heart, he’s very caring, we have so much and so many things in common, and he’s someone I can be proud of, be encouraged by, and is not someone I need to rescue or feels they need to rescue me. I like him just like he is, and I feel he likes me the same. We’ve only just begun our chapter, have only had a couple dates, and have only shared a kiss, but I already feel very connected to him. He feels safe, and I feel safe around him. Someone who isn’t afraid of my past, who is ready to share my present, and have a great plan for the future. He is kind. He appears adventurous. He has goals for himself and his future and is working on achieving them. I believe I could easily love him, but most of all – I believe he could easily love me just like I am – that he could love me deeply like the way I’ve always wanted to be loved.

Only time will tell how this chapter reveals itself, but I’m really hoping it’s a good one. My story could use a good chapter. I want an adventurous chapter, a great love affair of life, and a fairy-tale romance. So, as I sit here and write this blog post, sipping on my coffee, and dreaming about the possibilities waiting for me, I smile.  No more looking back. Time to end the grief of what had been. It’s a new day, a new life, and new chapter. Let the journey begin.

 

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Categories: author T.L. Gray, Blog Post, blogging, Dream, Fairy Tale, Faith, family, friends, Hurt, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Life, love, memes, Muses, Musing., Musings, Philosophy, relationship, Relationships, respect, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Messes We Make by the Choices We Choose

The Messes We Make

We all have our own story, our own epic tale, and our own journey of discovery. We have a beginning, several inciting scenes, character development, a plot line, plot twists, climaxes, and a resolution, and some of us even have a prologue. But, very few of us have an epilogue. That’s something I hope to gain. Just like the vast array of books in a library or bookstore, there are many, many, many stories, and they’re all original. While some may be similar to others, each is individual and unique in their character and plot. Some of us have short tales, while others have many chapters.

Who is the author of our tale? As a writer, I often feel that my characters write the story and I am merely a scribe. Other times, I feel I’m the architect and creator, set the scene, and construct the plot. Perhaps the truth is somewhere in the middle. That’s the same as with our lives.  While we make our choices, Fate, God, and Karma set their traps and move us across our chess boards. We decide what moves to make, which pieces to act, but they decide how those pieces work, their rules, what spaces are available, and the size of the board.

Oh, the messes we make by the choices we choose. Hey, that’d make a good meme. I think I’ll also make that the title of this blog post.

How much of my story is mine? How much of it is the by-product of another’s story? How much is the mess of my making? How much more do I have? How much more do I want?

Some days I’m tired of my story and want it to end. Other days, there’s not enough pages to hold the tales I want to create, the epic I want to write, or the adventure I want chronicled. Is it a romance, a tragedy, a comedy, a thriller, a horror, a flop, or a hero’s journey? Can I change my course or is my plot set? Will I be saved, or will I save myself? Am I the hero or the villain?

I don’t know. Perhaps I’m just a shitty writer. Oh, the messes I’ve made by the choices I’ve chosen.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Categories: author T.L. Gray, Fairy Tale, family, friends, Hope, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Life, love, memes, Musing, Philosophy, relationship, Relationships, respect, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Manly Man

Manly Man

I’ve often heard a guy talk about being ‘manly’, like his actions determine his level of maturity.  But really… who makes up the rules?  What is the measuring rod that determines the level of manliness that determines whether a male is manly enough?  I hope to God it isn’t his ability to spit a nasty wad of tobacco half way across the yard, hit a chicken in the head, and bounce off a bell.  That’s just stupid.  I also hope it isn’t the deepness or squeakiness of his voice, because I’ve heard some squeaky men and some deep-toned whiny babies.

So, what truly determines the level of manliness accepted by men?  Or do the women set this level of acceptability?

For me, what makes a man a man is simply the way he treats the women in his life.  Does he respect his mother?  Does he refer to females as bitches and ho’s? Does he treat his girlfriend like an object?  Does he treat his daughter like a burden or mistake? Does he treat his sisters like they’re not important?  How does a man treat the woman in his life?  An imbecile treats their women deplorably… and their accomplishments, achievements or abilities mean SHIT, regardless of their virginity status or deepness of voice.  An asshole is an asshole is an asshole.  A manly man, in my opinion, is someone who loves, adores, respects, protects, worries, and defends the women in their life.

Also, the way that a man is in life, often determines the type of woman he inspires in life.  A cheap, lying, asshole creates a long line of damaged, hurt women.  But a real man, a manly man, creates a long line of strong, creative, loving, independent women.

So, I suppose there is a measuring rod for ‘manly’, at least one I use… and I hope the world has enough manly men to help build up these beautiful women.  I don’t see many ‘manly’ men these days, but I do have to confess that I’ve some of the best manly friends.  I can’t help but become a better woman because of them.  I hope they know I love them and am proud to call them my friend.  I really am a lucky girl.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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Crisis of Faith

I try to steer away from politics and religion on all social media forums… well, in life in general, because those are two topics, along with money, that destroy relationships, friendships, and any kind of ships really for that matter. It’s a hot topic.  Well, I’m not here to debate any of it, just share with you a little crisis of faith I’m having of my own.

No point going into my history, just know that I had both religious and non-religious parts in my life.  I became a Christian at 24 and served in the ministry for nearly 17 years. I don’t need a history lesson, nor am I about to give one.  I just added that bit of information so you’d understand that what I’m talking about isn’t some idea I pulled off a meme somewhere or  heard in passing.   I take my faith very seriously.  I think it’s probably the thing that broke my heart most  when my life fell apart a few  years ago.

I don’t have a problem with God, the concept of God, or really any of the teachings attributed to God.  The people who claim to represent God, well, that’s another story and one I’m not getting into.

In my meditation this morning I was feeling angry, but I wasn’t quite sure who I was angry with.  It could have been directed toward myself for having made a really stupid decision lately where I thought I was helping a friend, but instead was just enabling them to use me.  I could have been angry at another friend that had lied to me and made me feel unwanted.  I could have been angry at yet another friend that  left me high and dry when I needed them most.  I could have been angry at myself for being unable to make simple life decisions because I’m stuck, I’m in a numb place, a place of indecision and confusion.  I could have been angry just because my pre-menopausal hormones have been going crazy the last few days and have made me want to crawl out of my skin. It could have been one of a million reasons, but as the tears bubbled in the corners of my eyes, it was toward God I directed my anger.

I’ve been reading a lot of religious and anti-religious meme’s lately.  Not because I’m searching them out, but because many of my friends have been posting them in light of the Supreme Court decision to legalize gay marriage.  I’ve seen them for both sides of the issue. I’m not going to debate that either.   I’m not gay and I’m not married, so it’s really none of my business. The majority of these memes I know were meant to be inspirational, to give hope in a time of hardship and pain.  But they weren’t.  Instead they came off as condescending.  Don’t tell me when I’m hurting so bad I can’t breathe that God has a plan for me – that He allowed me to go through this pain so that I can learn some proverbial spiritual lesson that’s going to make me a better person. Don’t tell me because something just became legal all the world is now rainbows and unicorns.  FUCK that!!!!  I’ll say it again, FUCK THAT!!!  If you got a problem with my language, then you don’t need to read my stuff. I’m free to speak my mind – and my mind sometimes uses foul language.

God’s got a plan for my life?  You, who thought the fucking world was flat a couple hundred years ago and crucify people daily for being different, thinking different, and believing different… have the right to tell me God has a plan for me?  Don’t get me wrong, I believe GOD has a plan for me, but YOU think YOU know what it is, what I should do, how I should do it, or what I need to do to help God help me????  I don’t think so.  FUCK THAT.  And just because you don’t believe in God, don’t try to tell me I’m using my faith as a crutch and can’t think for myself.  Both of you… get over yourselves and stop judging me because I might be different than you.

Shit happens, whether I’m good or bad, obedient or faithful.  SHIT HAPPENS.  I’ve had a lot of shit happen.  Instead of sitting on  your righteous high horses and telling me what you think you know of what GOD wants from me, for me, and about me… why don’t you just be real and tell me how you survived those low moments that happened in your life?  Tell me how  you picked up all your broken pieces and put them back together.  I don’t want a magic solution, a supernatural fairy tale, an example of miraculous faith of God swooping down off his throne and showing favoritism because you mumbled a few magic words.  Don’t tell me flowers and free love will solve all my problems.

What’s miraculous to me? Being able to love in the midst of such a cruel judgmental world, having hope for a brighter tomorrow, having the courage to chase a dream, having the guts to take a leap to follow my heart, having a compassion to love my neighbor in the middle of tension and hate. Stop telling me what God is doing FOR you, but what you’re doing for yourself, what you’re doing for your neighbor because you love them, not because your religion dictates  you appear compassionate, or your lack of religion makes you appear intelligent and all-knowing.  Show me your faith, what you truly believe with your actions, not your words, not your mouth, not your scripture, platitudes and memes.  Some of the most cruelest people I ever met sat in a church pew or stood in a protest line holding a picket sign.  Cruelty is on all sides of fundamentalism – whether conservative, liberal, gay, straight, black, or white.

I see god and enlightenment all the time in a touch, in a smile, in an act of kindness, tenderness, and compassion.  Please, please, please for the love of all that is, stop trying to save me and just love me. If God is love, then love is what will heal me and help me. If love is your god, then show me that love. Just stop.  It’s not YOUR job to save or enlighten me, only to love me.  Let ME save ME.  Let me learn what I need to know, because I’m the only one that can.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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Hollow Moon (Bad Wolf) – Awolnation

Hollow Moon Hallow Moon

Yep, I found another great song to add to my collection.  This time it’s the imaginative song “Hollow Moon (Bad Wolf)” by Awolnation.  Wow, this song has really tugged at so many aspects of my heart and imagination.  Layers upon layers, yet all packaged in a fantastical tale behind a beat that makes you move.  Also, for Destiny gamers… this is a great tune to run around shooting enemies in the Crucible.  There’s just something going around thinking you’re gonna make a deal with the bad wolf… by shooting his head off.  LOL!  While playing Crucible, I changed the words to … “I’ma make a deal with the bad wolf, shoot the bad wolf, ‘e won’t bite no more.”  It made for extremely fun play.

Okay, onto the rest of what this song pulled out of me. I have to say right off though as a writer and editor, I can’t help but notice the double negative in the chorus, but I don’t care – it works.

On the surface of this song, I smiled at the imagery of a someone running through the dark woods beneath a huge hollow moon from a vicious werewolf, you know, like in those old black and white horror movies.  It was awesome.  The story that played in my mind was so great, I don’t know if I want to watch the video.

On a deeper level, I switched to a Red Riding Hood-esque storyline, but a more adult version where Red is giving into her temptations because she knows she’s lost, and the safety and security of her ideals have been shattered under the power of the Big Bad Wolf – the temptation that  follows her, haunts her, and causes her to doubt her very existence.  (Breath – whew… I know, I know… a loooong run on.)  In facing her wolf, Red can’t deal with the cages – the bondages (ideals) we thought kept us safe, the lies we once believed about what it meant to be free.  Her eyes are now opened and she faces the ugly, dangerous truth head on.

Dying on the inside, dying to a way of life, an ideology, something you’ve always known and choosing to walk a new path, is like rising from the dead, being reborn, being made into something else.  Most of us have this ideal that we should completely become something else altogether, but I have to disagree.  That’s not changing or transforming –  that’s erasing what was and creating something else, and none of us have the power of creation (to make something from nothing).  We are still part of who we were, yet have somehow morphed, changed, transformed into part of something else … a hybrid… a battle between nature and will, choice and being choice-less.  I still have my broken, damaged human pieces, but I’ve sharpened my nails, enhanced my eye sight and hearing, become stronger with a thick coat,  grew more muscles, and  covered myself in a suit and a growl that scares the shit out of my enemies – yet I still have my humanity.   I’m not fully human, not fully wolf, I’m a werewolf… containing both the good and bad parts of me.

I accept me as I am.  I know that when the full moon comes, when temptation and my selfish natural desires kick in, I’m going to have a struggle to retain my humanity.  To deny there’s a beast inside, that’s the true danger.  That’s where we make mistakes, where we falter, where our inner wolves take over and create the chaos in our lives, messes we spend our lifetimes cleaning up.

So, in my closing… I made a deal with the bad wolf so the bad wolf don’t bite no more. My enemy (me)is a friend of mine in a friendly place to be seen.  I’ve been running from it all my life, but there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m now in my right mind.  I’ve found my head. I’m no longer lost, no longer dead inside.  Motherfucker, I’ve come back from the dead and I’ve accepted myself for who I am. I’m not waiting anymore, taking up space, hoping for a false dream. I’m no longer scared of the future, because it’ll be what I make it.  I might not be free in this blind society, but I’m free from their self-righteous bondage. If you listen close during the hollow moon, you’ll hear me howling.  They’ll never find me here, because where I am they cannot go.

So readers, enjoy the following song… and see what story, what truth, what bad wolf you face with in.  Then, after that… go be a beast and wreck some enemies in the Crucible.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

“Hollow Moon (Bad Wolf)” – Awolnation

I’ve been running from it all my lifetime

There’s nothing wrong with you, I’m searching for my right mind

Oh, you should’ve seen it they were resting on the restless

This happened, literally – woke up I was headless

I woke up I was headless

[Chorus:]

Ima make a deal with the bad wolf so the bad wolf don’t bite no more

Ima make a deal with the bad wolf so the bad wolf don’t bite no more

Ima make a deal with the bad wolf so the bad wolf don’t bite no more

Ima make a deal with the bad wolf so the bad wolf don’t bite no more

Ima make a Ima make a bad wolf Ima Ima bad wolf Ima make a bad wolf Ima Ima

Ima make a deal with the bad wolf so the bad wolf don’t bite no more

You’re all still here

Motherfucker I’ll be back from the dead soon

I’ll be watching from the center of the hollow moon

Oh, oh my God I think I might’ve made a mistake

Waiting patiently was waiting taking up space

We are waiting taking up space

[Chorus]

The earth below is above my feet when the clock is laughing at me

When copy cats and the lazy brats are the last thing I want to see

No, my enemy is a friend of mine in a friendly place to be seen

Hey, you know I’ll run away for a couple years just to prove I’ve never been free

They will never find me here [x4]

Yeah

Ima make a deal with the bad wolf so the bad wolf don’t bite no more [x8]

Categories: music, Musing, song, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Own Fairy Tale

My Own Fairy Tale

I can do so many amazing things.  I’ve accomplished countless great things in my life already and have the ability, talent, and drive to be successful at many more.  I never run from a fight, I stand up for who I am and what I want, and I try to be as fair as I possibly can in an unfair world.  So, why am I so scared?  Why do my hands literally shake at the thought of exposing my fiery heart and letting someone in?

I don’t lack for self-esteem.  I have come to love myself greatly.  I’ve learned to appreciate myself for the rare beauty that I am, respect myself for my opened mind, and  know without doubt I’m worth fighting for. I’ve learned to love and appreciate the simplistic beauty of a soul, to see beyond masks, and choose to love anyway – just as they are, not trying to change them to fit into an old fantasy or idea of who they should be. But deep inside there is still this scared little beast who doesn’t believe she’s capable of being loved, of being chosen, that the glass slipper will fit, or the curse be broken with a simple kiss.

Here’s the hard part.  I’m not without love.  I am already very much loved.  I have some good friends who love all the complicated mess that makes me who I am. They’re in my corner.  They believe in me.  They see me… all of me, my true self,  and love me anyway. I know if they could, they’d wave their magic wands and transform my life into the dream I desire, but they can’t.  They’re not fairy godmothers, mice who turn into men, pumpkins who transform into carriages to take me directly to my Prince Charming.  In my world, I have to make my own damned clothes, hike all the way to the castle, declare my right to be there no matter what anyone else says, ignore all the stares and judgments from all the snobs because I’m different, walk with my head high among the whispers, and keep telling myself that I’m worth it and somewhere among all these frogs there is a Prince just for me.

It’s hard attending this ball.  I’ve witnessed time and again other princesses kiss their frogs and have them transform into beautiful princes.  So far, all the princes I’ve kissed have remained frogs.  While our meeting, conversation, and dance has been beautiful and even magical, it hasn’t been enough to break the spell. Yet I still hope.  Not that a kiss will save me or wake me from a deep sleep… but that it will set me on fire and I unfurl my wings and soar into the heavens. What prince ever loves the dragon?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Categories: Fairy Tale, Musing, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What You Tell Yourself

What You Tell Yourself

I’ve read some inspiring articles lately about how, as the poster above states, what you tell yourself every day will either lift you up or tear you down.  I know this to be a deep existential truth. It’s what’s holding me together at this particular and scary moment in my life.

The world is a harsh place filled with disappointments, broken dreams and heart aches, but it’s also full of accomplishments, adventurous successes, and great love stories.  I’ve asked myself a million times how one gets from one end of the spectrum to the next, from dreaming to the realization of those dreams, from surviving to enjoying life, and I’m learning the key is attitude and having a positive mindset.

According to both of the articles listed at the end of this post, we should remind ourselves of three unique and positive things about ourselves, and list what three things for which we are grateful. No, the world won’t just magically align itself and every wish comes true at the onset of this positive turn, but it’s a beginning, and one I’d like to do today.  According to my faith, I should write my vision down and keep it before me, because if I can see it in my mind, I can achieve it.  So, here I go.

 Three positive things about myself:

  1. I’m honest. Honestly is a rare today.  The world is full of lies and liars. My honesty often costs me.  I’ve lost nothing to honesty that wasn’t worth losing in the first place.  I make mistakes, but I have no regrets because they’ve been honest mistakes.  I’ve seen what dishonesty does to families, relationships, and self esteem.  Deception destroys a person from within, and liars always get caught.  Nothing good comes from a lie.
  2. I’m beautiful.  I’m not a supermodel, an actress, or have a body that would stop traffic or make men drool, but I love the hard work I’ve put into my body. I’m healthy, I’m active, and being that way makes me happy.  Being happy puts a smile on my face, and that smile makes me attractive.  But, my heart, though having been broken, abused, and abandoned many times -yet still chooses to love and not become bitter in spite of it all – makes me beautiful.
  3. I’m a dream chaser.  I don’t let the world dictate to me who I am or what I do, or what I should be. I have dreams and hopes, and no matter what anyone else thinks or says, I do my best, sacrifice what I must, and pay whatever cost, in order to chase my dreams. Believe me, it’s cost me dearly.

And now for the three things for which I’m thankful:

  1. I’m thankful for my children.  They are the treasure of my heart. I love each of them in their own way, and being their mother has been the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done.  I’m not the perfect mother, but I love my children with a perfect love, and they love me.
  2. I’m thankful for the opportunity to chase my dreams.  I love writing.  I can’t imagine my life without it.  I’m so thankful that I’ve been able to pursue my dream of publication and have had that dream realized now several times, and know there will be so much more to come. I’m so thankful for the friends I’ve made in this industry.  Writers are unique people, a peculiar lot, and only they can truly understand my passions, my sacrifices, my frustrations, my goals, and my dreams in this area.
  3. I’m thankful for my friends.  I know they love me and without them I would be completely lonely.  Someone recently told me that I should become completely independent and get to the point where I don’t need anyone. I’m already there.  I depend on no person for anything – financially, emotionally, physically, or spiritually.  However, I choose my friends. I choose to love them and to want them in my life. I don’t need them and would be just fine without them, but without them I would be lonely and I would miss them greatly. I love them and want them, and am so thankful they have chosen me to share their life.

So, what three positive things can you think about yourself, and for what three things are you thankful?  Come on, I’m sure it won’t take you long to figure those out.  Then, once you do, remind yourself daily of those things every day and watch your world begin to transform into a happier, more successful life.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Re:

Changing Your Attitude by Tanee at From Fat to Fit Chick – http://fromfattofitchick.blogspot.com/2013/12/changing-your-attitude.html

Three Good Things by Jeff Suwak at The Prague Revue – http://www.praguerevue.com/ViewArticle?articleId=4120

Categories: Blog Post, Health & Fitness, Inspirational, Musing, Spiritual, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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