Posts Tagged With: Writing

The Messes We Make by the Choices We Choose

The Messes We Make

We all have our own story, our own epic tale, and our own journey of discovery. We have a beginning, several inciting scenes, character development, a plot line, plot twists, climaxes, and a resolution, and some of us even have a prologue. But, very few of us have an epilogue. That’s something I hope to gain. Just like the vast array of books in a library or bookstore, there are many, many, many stories, and they’re all original. While some may be similar to others, each is individual and unique in their character and plot. Some of us have short tales, while others have many chapters.

Who is the author of our tale? As a writer, I often feel that my characters write the story and I am merely a scribe. Other times, I feel I’m the architect and creator, set the scene, and construct the plot. Perhaps the truth is somewhere in the middle. That’s the same as with our lives.  While we make our choices, Fate, God, and Karma set their traps and move us across our chess boards. We decide what moves to make, which pieces to act, but they decide how those pieces work, their rules, what spaces are available, and the size of the board.

Oh, the messes we make by the choices we choose. Hey, that’d make a good meme. I think I’ll also make that the title of this blog post.

How much of my story is mine? How much of it is the by-product of another’s story? How much is the mess of my making? How much more do I have? How much more do I want?

Some days I’m tired of my story and want it to end. Other days, there’s not enough pages to hold the tales I want to create, the epic I want to write, or the adventure I want chronicled. Is it a romance, a tragedy, a comedy, a thriller, a horror, a flop, or a hero’s journey? Can I change my course or is my plot set? Will I be saved, or will I save myself? Am I the hero or the villain?

I don’t know. Perhaps I’m just a shitty writer. Oh, the messes I’ve made by the choices I’ve chosen.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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Categories: author T.L. Gray, Fairy Tale, family, friends, Hope, Independence, Inspirational, Instructional, Life, love, memes, Musing, Philosophy, relationship, Relationships, respect, Spiritual, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Manly Man

Manly Man

I’ve often heard a guy talk about being ‘manly’, like his actions determine his level of maturity.  But really… who makes up the rules?  What is the measuring rod that determines the level of manliness that determines whether a male is manly enough?  I hope to God it isn’t his ability to spit a nasty wad of tobacco half way across the yard, hit a chicken in the head, and bounce off a bell.  That’s just stupid.  I also hope it isn’t the deepness or squeakiness of his voice, because I’ve heard some squeaky men and some deep-toned whiny babies.

So, what truly determines the level of manliness accepted by men?  Or do the women set this level of acceptability?

For me, what makes a man a man is simply the way he treats the women in his life.  Does he respect his mother?  Does he refer to females as bitches and ho’s? Does he treat his girlfriend like an object?  Does he treat his daughter like a burden or mistake? Does he treat his sisters like they’re not important?  How does a man treat the woman in his life?  An imbecile treats their women deplorably… and their accomplishments, achievements or abilities mean SHIT, regardless of their virginity status or deepness of voice.  An asshole is an asshole is an asshole.  A manly man, in my opinion, is someone who loves, adores, respects, protects, worries, and defends the women in their life.

Also, the way that a man is in life, often determines the type of woman he inspires in life.  A cheap, lying, asshole creates a long line of damaged, hurt women.  But a real man, a manly man, creates a long line of strong, creative, loving, independent women.

So, I suppose there is a measuring rod for ‘manly’, at least one I use… and I hope the world has enough manly men to help build up these beautiful women.  I don’t see many ‘manly’ men these days, but I do have to confess that I’ve some of the best manly friends.  I can’t help but become a better woman because of them.  I hope they know I love them and am proud to call them my friend.  I really am a lucky girl.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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Crisis of Faith

I try to steer away from politics and religion on all social media forums… well, in life in general, because those are two topics, along with money, that destroy relationships, friendships, and any kind of ships really for that matter. It’s a hot topic.  Well, I’m not here to debate any of it, just share with you a little crisis of faith I’m having of my own.

No point going into my history, just know that I had both religious and non-religious parts in my life.  I became a Christian at 24 and served in the ministry for nearly 17 years. I don’t need a history lesson, nor am I about to give one.  I just added that bit of information so you’d understand that what I’m talking about isn’t some idea I pulled off a meme somewhere or  heard in passing.   I take my faith very seriously.  I think it’s probably the thing that broke my heart most  when my life fell apart a few  years ago.

I don’t have a problem with God, the concept of God, or really any of the teachings attributed to God.  The people who claim to represent God, well, that’s another story and one I’m not getting into.

In my meditation this morning I was feeling angry, but I wasn’t quite sure who I was angry with.  It could have been directed toward myself for having made a really stupid decision lately where I thought I was helping a friend, but instead was just enabling them to use me.  I could have been angry at another friend that had lied to me and made me feel unwanted.  I could have been angry at yet another friend that  left me high and dry when I needed them most.  I could have been angry at myself for being unable to make simple life decisions because I’m stuck, I’m in a numb place, a place of indecision and confusion.  I could have been angry just because my pre-menopausal hormones have been going crazy the last few days and have made me want to crawl out of my skin. It could have been one of a million reasons, but as the tears bubbled in the corners of my eyes, it was toward God I directed my anger.

I’ve been reading a lot of religious and anti-religious meme’s lately.  Not because I’m searching them out, but because many of my friends have been posting them in light of the Supreme Court decision to legalize gay marriage.  I’ve seen them for both sides of the issue. I’m not going to debate that either.   I’m not gay and I’m not married, so it’s really none of my business. The majority of these memes I know were meant to be inspirational, to give hope in a time of hardship and pain.  But they weren’t.  Instead they came off as condescending.  Don’t tell me when I’m hurting so bad I can’t breathe that God has a plan for me – that He allowed me to go through this pain so that I can learn some proverbial spiritual lesson that’s going to make me a better person. Don’t tell me because something just became legal all the world is now rainbows and unicorns.  FUCK that!!!!  I’ll say it again, FUCK THAT!!!  If you got a problem with my language, then you don’t need to read my stuff. I’m free to speak my mind – and my mind sometimes uses foul language.

God’s got a plan for my life?  You, who thought the fucking world was flat a couple hundred years ago and crucify people daily for being different, thinking different, and believing different… have the right to tell me God has a plan for me?  Don’t get me wrong, I believe GOD has a plan for me, but YOU think YOU know what it is, what I should do, how I should do it, or what I need to do to help God help me????  I don’t think so.  FUCK THAT.  And just because you don’t believe in God, don’t try to tell me I’m using my faith as a crutch and can’t think for myself.  Both of you… get over yourselves and stop judging me because I might be different than you.

Shit happens, whether I’m good or bad, obedient or faithful.  SHIT HAPPENS.  I’ve had a lot of shit happen.  Instead of sitting on  your righteous high horses and telling me what you think you know of what GOD wants from me, for me, and about me… why don’t you just be real and tell me how you survived those low moments that happened in your life?  Tell me how  you picked up all your broken pieces and put them back together.  I don’t want a magic solution, a supernatural fairy tale, an example of miraculous faith of God swooping down off his throne and showing favoritism because you mumbled a few magic words.  Don’t tell me flowers and free love will solve all my problems.

What’s miraculous to me? Being able to love in the midst of such a cruel judgmental world, having hope for a brighter tomorrow, having the courage to chase a dream, having the guts to take a leap to follow my heart, having a compassion to love my neighbor in the middle of tension and hate. Stop telling me what God is doing FOR you, but what you’re doing for yourself, what you’re doing for your neighbor because you love them, not because your religion dictates  you appear compassionate, or your lack of religion makes you appear intelligent and all-knowing.  Show me your faith, what you truly believe with your actions, not your words, not your mouth, not your scripture, platitudes and memes.  Some of the most cruelest people I ever met sat in a church pew or stood in a protest line holding a picket sign.  Cruelty is on all sides of fundamentalism – whether conservative, liberal, gay, straight, black, or white.

I see god and enlightenment all the time in a touch, in a smile, in an act of kindness, tenderness, and compassion.  Please, please, please for the love of all that is, stop trying to save me and just love me. If God is love, then love is what will heal me and help me. If love is your god, then show me that love. Just stop.  It’s not YOUR job to save or enlighten me, only to love me.  Let ME save ME.  Let me learn what I need to know, because I’m the only one that can.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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Hollow Moon (Bad Wolf) – Awolnation

Hollow Moon Hallow Moon

Yep, I found another great song to add to my collection.  This time it’s the imaginative song “Hollow Moon (Bad Wolf)” by Awolnation.  Wow, this song has really tugged at so many aspects of my heart and imagination.  Layers upon layers, yet all packaged in a fantastical tale behind a beat that makes you move.  Also, for Destiny gamers… this is a great tune to run around shooting enemies in the Crucible.  There’s just something going around thinking you’re gonna make a deal with the bad wolf… by shooting his head off.  LOL!  While playing Crucible, I changed the words to … “I’ma make a deal with the bad wolf, shoot the bad wolf, ‘e won’t bite no more.”  It made for extremely fun play.

Okay, onto the rest of what this song pulled out of me. I have to say right off though as a writer and editor, I can’t help but notice the double negative in the chorus, but I don’t care – it works.

On the surface of this song, I smiled at the imagery of a someone running through the dark woods beneath a huge hollow moon from a vicious werewolf, you know, like in those old black and white horror movies.  It was awesome.  The story that played in my mind was so great, I don’t know if I want to watch the video.

On a deeper level, I switched to a Red Riding Hood-esque storyline, but a more adult version where Red is giving into her temptations because she knows she’s lost, and the safety and security of her ideals have been shattered under the power of the Big Bad Wolf – the temptation that  follows her, haunts her, and causes her to doubt her very existence.  (Breath – whew… I know, I know… a loooong run on.)  In facing her wolf, Red can’t deal with the cages – the bondages (ideals) we thought kept us safe, the lies we once believed about what it meant to be free.  Her eyes are now opened and she faces the ugly, dangerous truth head on.

Dying on the inside, dying to a way of life, an ideology, something you’ve always known and choosing to walk a new path, is like rising from the dead, being reborn, being made into something else.  Most of us have this ideal that we should completely become something else altogether, but I have to disagree.  That’s not changing or transforming –  that’s erasing what was and creating something else, and none of us have the power of creation (to make something from nothing).  We are still part of who we were, yet have somehow morphed, changed, transformed into part of something else … a hybrid… a battle between nature and will, choice and being choice-less.  I still have my broken, damaged human pieces, but I’ve sharpened my nails, enhanced my eye sight and hearing, become stronger with a thick coat,  grew more muscles, and  covered myself in a suit and a growl that scares the shit out of my enemies – yet I still have my humanity.   I’m not fully human, not fully wolf, I’m a werewolf… containing both the good and bad parts of me.

I accept me as I am.  I know that when the full moon comes, when temptation and my selfish natural desires kick in, I’m going to have a struggle to retain my humanity.  To deny there’s a beast inside, that’s the true danger.  That’s where we make mistakes, where we falter, where our inner wolves take over and create the chaos in our lives, messes we spend our lifetimes cleaning up.

So, in my closing… I made a deal with the bad wolf so the bad wolf don’t bite no more. My enemy (me)is a friend of mine in a friendly place to be seen.  I’ve been running from it all my life, but there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m now in my right mind.  I’ve found my head. I’m no longer lost, no longer dead inside.  Motherfucker, I’ve come back from the dead and I’ve accepted myself for who I am. I’m not waiting anymore, taking up space, hoping for a false dream. I’m no longer scared of the future, because it’ll be what I make it.  I might not be free in this blind society, but I’m free from their self-righteous bondage. If you listen close during the hollow moon, you’ll hear me howling.  They’ll never find me here, because where I am they cannot go.

So readers, enjoy the following song… and see what story, what truth, what bad wolf you face with in.  Then, after that… go be a beast and wreck some enemies in the Crucible.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

“Hollow Moon (Bad Wolf)” – Awolnation

I’ve been running from it all my lifetime

There’s nothing wrong with you, I’m searching for my right mind

Oh, you should’ve seen it they were resting on the restless

This happened, literally – woke up I was headless

I woke up I was headless

[Chorus:]

Ima make a deal with the bad wolf so the bad wolf don’t bite no more

Ima make a deal with the bad wolf so the bad wolf don’t bite no more

Ima make a deal with the bad wolf so the bad wolf don’t bite no more

Ima make a deal with the bad wolf so the bad wolf don’t bite no more

Ima make a Ima make a bad wolf Ima Ima bad wolf Ima make a bad wolf Ima Ima

Ima make a deal with the bad wolf so the bad wolf don’t bite no more

You’re all still here

Motherfucker I’ll be back from the dead soon

I’ll be watching from the center of the hollow moon

Oh, oh my God I think I might’ve made a mistake

Waiting patiently was waiting taking up space

We are waiting taking up space

[Chorus]

The earth below is above my feet when the clock is laughing at me

When copy cats and the lazy brats are the last thing I want to see

No, my enemy is a friend of mine in a friendly place to be seen

Hey, you know I’ll run away for a couple years just to prove I’ve never been free

They will never find me here [x4]

Yeah

Ima make a deal with the bad wolf so the bad wolf don’t bite no more [x8]

Categories: music, Musing, song, T.L. Gray, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Own Fairy Tale

My Own Fairy Tale

I can do so many amazing things.  I’ve accomplished countless great things in my life already and have the ability, talent, and drive to be successful at many more.  I never run from a fight, I stand up for who I am and what I want, and I try to be as fair as I possibly can in an unfair world.  So, why am I so scared?  Why do my hands literally shake at the thought of exposing my fiery heart and letting someone in?

I don’t lack for self-esteem.  I have come to love myself greatly.  I’ve learned to appreciate myself for the rare beauty that I am, respect myself for my opened mind, and  know without doubt I’m worth fighting for. I’ve learned to love and appreciate the simplistic beauty of a soul, to see beyond masks, and choose to love anyway – just as they are, not trying to change them to fit into an old fantasy or idea of who they should be. But deep inside there is still this scared little beast who doesn’t believe she’s capable of being loved, of being chosen, that the glass slipper will fit, or the curse be broken with a simple kiss.

Here’s the hard part.  I’m not without love.  I am already very much loved.  I have some good friends who love all the complicated mess that makes me who I am. They’re in my corner.  They believe in me.  They see me… all of me, my true self,  and love me anyway. I know if they could, they’d wave their magic wands and transform my life into the dream I desire, but they can’t.  They’re not fairy godmothers, mice who turn into men, pumpkins who transform into carriages to take me directly to my Prince Charming.  In my world, I have to make my own damned clothes, hike all the way to the castle, declare my right to be there no matter what anyone else says, ignore all the stares and judgments from all the snobs because I’m different, walk with my head high among the whispers, and keep telling myself that I’m worth it and somewhere among all these frogs there is a Prince just for me.

It’s hard attending this ball.  I’ve witnessed time and again other princesses kiss their frogs and have them transform into beautiful princes.  So far, all the princes I’ve kissed have remained frogs.  While our meeting, conversation, and dance has been beautiful and even magical, it hasn’t been enough to break the spell. Yet I still hope.  Not that a kiss will save me or wake me from a deep sleep… but that it will set me on fire and I unfurl my wings and soar into the heavens. What prince ever loves the dragon?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

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What You Tell Yourself

What You Tell Yourself

I’ve read some inspiring articles lately about how, as the poster above states, what you tell yourself every day will either lift you up or tear you down.  I know this to be a deep existential truth. It’s what’s holding me together at this particular and scary moment in my life.

The world is a harsh place filled with disappointments, broken dreams and heart aches, but it’s also full of accomplishments, adventurous successes, and great love stories.  I’ve asked myself a million times how one gets from one end of the spectrum to the next, from dreaming to the realization of those dreams, from surviving to enjoying life, and I’m learning the key is attitude and having a positive mindset.

According to both of the articles listed at the end of this post, we should remind ourselves of three unique and positive things about ourselves, and list what three things for which we are grateful. No, the world won’t just magically align itself and every wish comes true at the onset of this positive turn, but it’s a beginning, and one I’d like to do today.  According to my faith, I should write my vision down and keep it before me, because if I can see it in my mind, I can achieve it.  So, here I go.

 Three positive things about myself:

  1. I’m honest. Honestly is a rare today.  The world is full of lies and liars. My honesty often costs me.  I’ve lost nothing to honesty that wasn’t worth losing in the first place.  I make mistakes, but I have no regrets because they’ve been honest mistakes.  I’ve seen what dishonesty does to families, relationships, and self esteem.  Deception destroys a person from within, and liars always get caught.  Nothing good comes from a lie.
  2. I’m beautiful.  I’m not a supermodel, an actress, or have a body that would stop traffic or make men drool, but I love the hard work I’ve put into my body. I’m healthy, I’m active, and being that way makes me happy.  Being happy puts a smile on my face, and that smile makes me attractive.  But, my heart, though having been broken, abused, and abandoned many times -yet still chooses to love and not become bitter in spite of it all – makes me beautiful.
  3. I’m a dream chaser.  I don’t let the world dictate to me who I am or what I do, or what I should be. I have dreams and hopes, and no matter what anyone else thinks or says, I do my best, sacrifice what I must, and pay whatever cost, in order to chase my dreams. Believe me, it’s cost me dearly.

And now for the three things for which I’m thankful:

  1. I’m thankful for my children.  They are the treasure of my heart. I love each of them in their own way, and being their mother has been the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done.  I’m not the perfect mother, but I love my children with a perfect love, and they love me.
  2. I’m thankful for the opportunity to chase my dreams.  I love writing.  I can’t imagine my life without it.  I’m so thankful that I’ve been able to pursue my dream of publication and have had that dream realized now several times, and know there will be so much more to come. I’m so thankful for the friends I’ve made in this industry.  Writers are unique people, a peculiar lot, and only they can truly understand my passions, my sacrifices, my frustrations, my goals, and my dreams in this area.
  3. I’m thankful for my friends.  I know they love me and without them I would be completely lonely.  Someone recently told me that I should become completely independent and get to the point where I don’t need anyone. I’m already there.  I depend on no person for anything – financially, emotionally, physically, or spiritually.  However, I choose my friends. I choose to love them and to want them in my life. I don’t need them and would be just fine without them, but without them I would be lonely and I would miss them greatly. I love them and want them, and am so thankful they have chosen me to share their life.

So, what three positive things can you think about yourself, and for what three things are you thankful?  Come on, I’m sure it won’t take you long to figure those out.  Then, once you do, remind yourself daily of those things every day and watch your world begin to transform into a happier, more successful life.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Re:

Changing Your Attitude by Tanee at From Fat to Fit Chick – http://fromfattofitchick.blogspot.com/2013/12/changing-your-attitude.html

Three Good Things by Jeff Suwak at The Prague Revue – http://www.praguerevue.com/ViewArticle?articleId=4120

Categories: Blog Post, Health & Fitness, Inspirational, Musing, Spiritual, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Rumble of Thunder

The Rumble of Thunder

The rumble of thunder and the tapping of raindrops atop a tin roof stir my imagination, and make me smile. My sweet, you know the music I love best. Sing to me. Stir my passions. Take me away to where only the imagination can travel. Let us dance together heart to heart, soul to soul, spirit to spirit.

The rumble of thunder and the tapping of keys atop my keyboard stir my imagination, and make me smile. My sweet, you know the words I need to hear. Write for me. Stir my passions. Let your prose be birthed from my heart, travel through my veins, and flow from the tips of my fingers. Let us write together heart to heart, soul to soul, spirit to spirit.

We dance, we write, we laugh, we cry, we kiss, we sigh, we live, we die, together, you and I.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

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Starting a New Chapter

New Chapter

Every writer understands the thrill of starting a new chapter, especially in a novel that’s been a huge labor of love, a struggle, something that’s required a lot of inflection, research, and pain. With the start of a new section, it’s like there’s been this small reprieve.  You’ve got the sense of completing some task, obstacle, quest, event or emotional scene, and now it’s time to move on to the next part of the saga, able to put that part behind you.  What we don’t often realize in our jubilation – starting a new chapter isn’t the same as writing a whole new book; it’s an extension of the same story.  There are still threads to be tied, characters that need to be developed and plots that need to unfold.  No matter how much we’d like to jump out of the same story and start over fresh, we have to see it to the end – just like our own lives.

I’d love to be able to jump out of my story and start a whole new one; reinvent myself and plop right into a new adventure, but I can’t.  My story has its own history, its own plot line and its own character development. The only difference, I’m not the author; I’m one of the characters.  I don’t have the power to change my story, rewrite my earlier chapters, scrap the whole manuscript and start over from scratch.  Part of me doubts I even have the power to finish the story as I’d like, because I have no control over the plot or the actions of the other characters.  The only thing I truly have any control over is how my character responds to the things around her.

Just so you know – I’m pretty damned angry at the author for writing this particular tragedy.  Why couldn’t I have been in a comedy or a fluffy romance?  No, I have to be in an epic thriller; a dark fantasy; a nightmare.  All I have to say is there better be an awesome ending.  Come on, one character can only take so much tragedy in their life.  There has to be balance.  I’m not even sure if I’m the hero or villain.  I think most of us are the heroes in our own stories, but my character isn’t feeling very heroic lately.  Where’s my great love story, when do I get to save the day instead of always being in need of rescue?  When do I reach the climax and get to start seeing everything come together and find my happily-ever-after?  Will my story end up with a tragic ending?  What will I have learned at the end of my journey?  Will anyone shed a tear for me when my story is finally over?  Or will my story be one of those that have the reader scratching their heads and saying, “What a waste!”

I don’t want that kind of ending, and I surely don’t want to be in a tragedy any longer, or to save the day; I just simply want to smile.  I want to love and be loved in return.  I want to have a purpose and give purpose to someone else’s life.  I want to be someone’s bright spot.  So, this morning, I’m pleading with the Author of my particular story, as they go to write this new chapter – please show a little mercy and change my story to a happy adventure. Tone down the drama, create a wonderful, beautiful setting, and plot a miracle or two.  Oh, and if I might just make a tiny suggestion – Henry Cavill would make a wonderful leading man.  But, if his story and mine can’t mesh, at least send someone that will flame an unquenchable fire, be someone I can look up to, who inspires me, pushes and makes me a better person just being in my life.  But they’ve got to want, love and desire me.  I refuse to settle or accept someone who won’t fully love me back with their whole heart, being and passion. I deserve to be someone’s leading lady – not only their best friend, side kick or confidant.  I deserve the knight in shining armor who will go through hell, move heaven and earth, and fight the largest dragon with ME, even though I can save myself.  I don’t need rescued. I just need someone willing to fight beside me so I don’t have to fight alone.

What does your story say about you?  What kind of novel is your life?  How would you like your story to change?  Think on these things.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

http://www.tlgray.blogspot.com

http://www.authortlgray.wordpress.com

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Beauty for Ashes

Beauty for Ashes

As I greet the morning, sipping on a warm cup of coffee, body relaxing after a great workout, I walk to the lake behind my house to enjoy a beautiful scene.  I think about those I love, those I miss, and catch a small vaporous thought of those who have faded from my life.  My focus narrows and I center on the new phase.  I think I’m learning to view and experience the world around me with a different set of eyes.  Well, that’s not true.  I don’t have a different set of eyes, only a different way of seeing.  Well, how I use those eyes are not new either, only that I’m starting to understand the difference between seeing and truly seeing.

All my life I’ve viewed the world in such a way, I’d sometimes wonder if maybe I’d been given a different set of eyes than those around me.  I find beauty in mundane things that most people don’t even give a second thought, and most often what is praised by the masses leaves me scratching my head.  I can see a tree in the middle of a forest and weep at its vibrancy in the face of insignificance.  My heart grows heavy at the sight of a rusty tricycle, long forgotten and neglected, shining in the sun, casting a brilliance that is almost blinding.  It brings back glimpses of happy childhood memories, those often clouded by darker moments. I see the vibrant colors of flowers, leaves, grass, water, sky and earth.  I notice the things out of place more often than the things spotlighted.  I can spend several minutes wrapped in the peace of nature watching an ant climb the limb of a tree, or listening to the wind rustle the leaves, or smelling the scent of a beautiful flower, or running my fingers over the dew-kissed grass, and feel so connected, yet so lost at the same time.

I view people differently too.  No matter the outside appearance, whether wrapped in attractive skin or gross deformity, it is the soul of a person that radiates their beauty or ugliness.  In my youth, appearance was important to me and I spent a lot of time focused on what I found visually appealing.  Though these beautiful people got to share part of me, claim to be my friend, claimed a few stolen kiss, and shared in many of my gifts and talents, there were always one or two friends who shared my heart – but only on very, very, very rare occasions.  I was an expert and hiding my heart.

Today, after a life of heartbreak and love, I find I’m attracted to aspects of beauty that can’t often be seen with the naked eye.  It’s sometimes found in a kind word, a moment of appreciation, a stirring of hope, reaching for a dream, or a spot of comfort, or a word of rebuke.  Sometimes it’s in a kiss, a pair of hazel eyes, a touch, a glance, or a simple word of affection.

We can choose to see the beauty or the ugliness in everything… in our situations, in our dreams, in our daily lifestyles, in our jobs, in our friends and families, in our neighbors, in our government, in our gods … in everything.  I still see ugliness, but I will admit I’m beginning to see more and more beauty all the time.

What do you see?

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Categories: Inspirational, Musing, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

How Many Times?

How many times

 

How many times do we have to be told something before the true message starts to become clear?  How many times do we have to be pushed away before we realize we’re not wanted?  How many times to we have to be left standing alone to realize that we’re alone?  As many times as it needs until we see nothing but the truth.

Now if you asked, “Why does it take so many times?”  That’s a different question, and the answer is as unique as we are individual.  But I think the sum of the answer lay somewhere in the hopes we’ve personally built within ourselves, even if they’re lies.

Simply put.  We can lie to ourselves; believe things, situations, and emotions are what we hope.  But, until we dash those false hopes, and there’s not a strand or minute evidence they still exist, we will desperately cling to them and to the fantasy they provide.  Then everything we see, hear, feel, or understand is filtered through that lie and it causes us to become confused… become fools.

Discovering the truth can be very painful.  Not only because we realize we built a false ideal in our minds, but that we’ve acted on it, supported it, and gave the best parts of ourselves to it… all for naught.  The biggest part of the pain is because we realize we were fools.

When we reach that part, we are left with the decision of now what to do with the message we so clearly didn’t see before; unfiltered; unmasked; without false hope.   How can we ever be sure ANY part of what is left isn’t also false?  How can we possibly trust our decision-making process when it clearly failed us before?

I don’t know the answer.  I wish I did.  I just know me – and when I know I’ve been a fool I get hurt.  But soon hurt turns to anger, anger turns to bitterness, and bitterness turns to indifference… unless I discover how to forgive – me for being a fool.

Till next time,

~T.L. Gray

Categories: Musing, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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